And So It Goes....

"I sit in the back of a bus watching the world grow old
Watching the world go by all by myself
I took a faith full leap and packed up all my things and
All my love and gave it to somebody else

But how do I know if I'll make it through?
How do I know? Where's the proof in you?

And so it goes, this soldier knows
The battle with the heart isn't easily won
And so it goes, this soldier knows
The battle with the heart isn't easily won
But it can be won, but it can be won"


I am ready to get going. I am ready for time to do it's thing, pack it's bag and leave my house. It has overstayed it's welcome.

Here I am in a new place, an unfamiliar, exciting new place and my mind is on one thing. That's gotta change. Things have to change. But things will only change if you WANT them to.

I WANT them to.

I'm holding myself back. I made the leap of faith and moved 2,000 miles away... but my leap doesn't end there. My leap ends when I decide that I am happy with who I am at this very moment.
I have more friends than I know what to do with, I have more support than my heart can handle, I've got so much love that Mr. Webster cannot possibly define how I feel.

Pslam 23:
1 The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
3 he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.

No longer do I want....
I'm lying down where He has placed me and I am walking peacefully where He leads me.
He picks me up daily and reminds me that I am not alone....
I do it because of Him...

In Bible times, when a shephards sheep would wander off, he would break one of their legs so that for a while they could not walk... He would carry the sheep for a time and then eventually he would make the sheep learn how to walk on the broken leg. The sheep would stay close to his master for fear of getting lost.

God has broken my legs and placed me in a place that only He could help me out of. He broke my legs, and for a while, He carried me. I am learning to walk again on my broken legs, but I am staying close to Him, for fear of getting lost and getting swallowed up by the world.

I am not scared anymore.
I realize that I will get nowhere without Him.
I know now that God will never put me in a situation that I cannot handle... because if I cannot handle it, He will always provide a way out. He will never leave my side. And He has put people in my life that act in the same way... not judging me for certain decisions, never leaving my side no matter what.

I never question life's situations anymore because EVERYTHING happens for a reason. I'm not going to try and figure those reasons out anymore. I refuse. I'm just going to stay really close to Him and know that I am safe, no matter what happens.

I know you probably wanted more of an update, but to be honest with you, this is the best I could do for right now. You have just seen into the depths of my heart....

LOVE.LOVE.LOVE.

"And so it goes, this soldier knows
(And so it goes)
The battle with the heart isn't easily won
(The war is won)
But it can be won, but it can be won"

Does Love Always Win?

I'm realizing more and more how difficult it will be to go home. Sometimes it seems easy, other times it seems difficult. Today is a difficult kind of day. One look into Kayden's bright blue eyes and suddenly I realize that I left my heart in Mobile when I took off 4 months ago. It's no suprise to me however. I knew this would be difficult. It will be the first time going home in 5 months. It's never been that long for me. Learning to live without your mom and dad close to you everyday is tough. Learning to live everyday without the laughs and giggles from your 3 year old niece is a heart breaker.

But the toughest part is learning that sometimes love cannot conquer all, and sometimes love doesn't make the world go round. Learning that sometimes love brings your world to a screeching halt, steals you from the things you love the most and places you in a world so unfamiiliar and so scary that all you are left to do is pick up your things and move forward.
Love can be your best friend and it can be your worst enemy.

For now though, all I can do is search for the best friend that I once had in love.

"Call the surgeon,
Mend the pieces. "

I wish I was Robinhood....

Love wins.. absolutly always.

I decided to blog tonight because I have a lot going through my mind... So why not blog and get it all out, eh? I miss the fam like crazy... I miss my sweet angel Kayden... and Melody will be one soon!! Wow.... and cute little Noah that I have yet to hold in my arms... I am counting down the days.

California is good to me, but there is nothing like the innocence of a sweet child to mend a broken heart. I want the heart of a child. Loving and carefree....

Sometimes I miss the old days. I looked at old pictures today and I miss my love. That is a given. No suprise there! lol.... Simpler times it seemed. School goes on, work goes on. Friends come and go... coming more than going, thank God =) I need lots of friends. So thankful for that. Amelia is home in a month and I am once again counting down the days.

I am glad that my life is not dictated by other people. There are people around me that of course I want to make happy and and I want them to be happy with me and what I am doing in my life.... But there is one person that I live my life for, and if you know me well enough, then I do not need to tell you who that is. I feel free because it's my own life and no one elses. I answer to myself for the choices that I make. And although all of those choices may not be the right one... it is a learning process..

I still believe 100% that things and events happen for a reason. I have learned so much from the things that have happened. Now I am a little more careful with who I give my heart to... and I am little more careful with whose heart I take. I am new to both of those things, but I really am trying.

I am having fun here.... California has done me good. I love my friends... I love the new people I meet.... I love the fact that no one knows me here and no one knows anyone I know. It makes me forever happy to be new. Life is happy right now. No reason to be upset about anything. Sure, sometimes I feel like life dealt me a pretty shitty hand a few months ago.... but it must have been for some reason... something bigger than me... something that I simply cannot understand at the moment. And that is okay. I am tired of trying to figure life out... tired of planning life out. I am just going to ride the wave and see where it takes me... If it crashes, then I'll catch the next one and see if that works.... Life is about change. Whether you are ready for it or not, it is coming.

Half of my heart's got a real good imagination, healf of my heart's got you.

She said "I've gotta be honest, You're wasting your time if you're stickin' round here..."

I always knew that music was a huge part of my life from the day I was born. But I never knew that it would have the impact on me that it has had...

"If you want more love, why don't you say so?"

I've known for a long time that how I react to certain situations is different than others. That's a fact of life- everyone is different. But, I never thought that 98% of the time, the only way for me to express myself would be through someone elses music. I can listen to a song and it will be EXACTLY how I feel and the only way I know to express myself... but the person I am trying to get the point across to, just doesn't get it. And that is what I don't get- "How could this not make sense to you?"

"I don't care if we don't sleep at all tonight, Let's just fix this whole thing now. I swear to God We're gonna get it right, If you'de lay your weapons down."

I think this thought process comes from seeing "Pirate Radio" at the movies last night, and John Mayer's new cd coming out today. Music speaks to different people in different ways- so don't criticize music. If you don't like, just say it's not your style. Country music is not my style... but I can edure it. I dated a guy that opened me up tp the world of blues music. That is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I learned that everyones music- from John Mayer, to Keith Urban, to Ratatat, to Taylor Swift, to Bob Marley, to Elton John (I could go on and on)- it all came from somewhere. Sure, you have those that broke through the music mold and tried something new and changed the world of music as we know it- but all music is influenced by other music. Don't just listen to a song or an artist and be happy with it- find out where it came from. You are cheating yourself if you don't. That's one of the most important lessons I have learned.

I can't possibly listen to a song anymore and immediatley dislike it. It's such a long thought process that happens.

This music is the heart of this person... It's their thoughts, their feelings, what they deal with in everyday life. It makes you realize that these are real people and not super mega rockstars that appear to be on a whole other wavelength- they're the same as us.

More often than not, I listen to a song and wonder if the artist probed inside my brain and decided to write a song on exactly how I think and feel, and I know a lot of people that feel the same way. You cannot over-analyze music- you take it for what it is. You can't sit and wonder "Who is this written for, who is this written about?" Just be thankful that it was even written at all...

You have to let music touch your heart in a way that nothing else ever could (physically speaking). Listen to Jimi or Stevie and get lost in the riffs, listen to Eva or Emmylou and get lost in the lyrics, or simply listen to Mozart or Bach and get lost in yourself....

Music is a healer. Music is always enough.


"Suddenly I'm in, over my head and I can hardly breathe,
Suddenly I know exactly what I did, but I cannot move a thing.
Suddenly I know, exactly what I'de done and what it's gonna mean to me, mean to me."

GET THIS ALBUM. NOW.

you would not believe your eyes
if ten million fireflies lit up the world as i fell asleep
'Cause they'd fill the open air
and leave teardrops everywhere
you'd think me rude but I would just stand and stare

I'd like to make myself believe
that planet Earth turns slowly
Its hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems

'Cause I'd get a thousand hugs from ten thousand lightning bugs
as they tried to teach me how to dance
A foxtrot above my head
a sock hop beneath my bed
a disco ball is just hanging by a thread

When I fall asleep leave my door open just a crack
(please take me away from here)
'Cause I feel like such an insomniac
(please take me away from here)
why do I tire of counting sheep
(please take me away from here)
when I'm far too tired to fall asleep

To ten million fireflies
I'm weird 'cause I hate goodbyes
I got misty eyes as they said farewell
but I'll know where several are
if my dreams get real bizarre
'cause I saved a few and I keep them in a jar

(I fall asleep)
I'd like to make myself believe that planet earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
Because my dreams are bursting at the seams

-Owl City

It's been one whole year since this fiasco beagn...

Can you believe it? Yeah. neither can I. Subconsciously, my mind has shut down. People say "Oh what are your halloween plans? What kind of parties are you going to?" And I am like... ohhh I don't think I am doing anything... I'll just hand out candy to the cute little trick or treaters when they come to my house... I never made plans. I just didn't want to. And it wasn't until yesterday that I figured out why I didn't want to. I have so many things that I am thinking about right... so many thoughts I want to get out of my head..... WHY? Is there any better question to ask other than why?

As always, the only way I feel you will understand how I feel is through music...

You see love is a drink that goes straight to my head
And time is a lover and I'm caught in her stare
And the sentiment there follows me straight to my bed through the night
I've got my life in a suitcase,
I'm ready to run, run, run away..
I've got no time, 'cause I'm always trying to run, run, run away
'Cause everyday in here feels like it's only a game.
I've got my life in a suitcase, a suitcase, a suitcase...
-THe Day I Lost My Voice (The Suitcase Song)

It is the one year anniversary of this song. Love it so much.



The sun burns a hole straight through your old flaws
If you look toward the sky even on your greyest night

Could you be happy now, with the wind in your hair
And your eyes open wide and your feet going nowhere?
Could you be happy to fall like a stone
If you'd land right here safe in my arms?
It's fine, lock all your doors through the night
Keep it all right here, safe in my arms
It's fine
-On The Safest Ledge

I am a mix of emotions right now. Sad, happy, excited, scared, confused, indifferent, amazed, anxious, needy, independant... most of all contradicted.

If you have a chance, get the Copeland album "You Are My Sunshine".
Music is always enough for me. No matter what day it is.

Grab your bag and grab your coat, tell the ones that need to know, that we are headed north...

Hello everyone! I know it's been a hot minute since I have updated... but I have pictures! As always, school and work keep me busy and exhausted! Holly, Bernie, Mimi and I went to Oxnard for our cousins wedding a couple weekends ago... such a fun time =) Aunt Holly has been training for her marathon in Chicago and it was this last weekend! She's a super stud mom running marathons at 53! Haha... so anyways... Mimi is going to visit her girls in Mississippi soon and I will be staying with Christy while she is gone.. so that should be a fun time.


FOR MOM =)

Uncle Bernie and I... not sure what to do.

Aunty Holly and I

Bernie, Holly, me and Mimi at the reception

Holly, Cousin Rhonda, me, Cousin Dottie and Mimi

With the beautiful bride Holly =)

Goofin off

Here is my desk at work... Obviously a busy day..

This last weekend, Orange County put on the Bay to Bay Bike MS 2009. It is a bike ride starting in Irvine, CA and going to Carlsbad one day, then going from Carlsbad to Mission Beach, CA (Which is in San Diego) the next day. The bikers are from all sorts of places and are sponsored from all different places... Some were from Disney, some were from Land Rover, and some were sponsored by Cox Cable. There were probably over 100 teams in all. Anyways, they needed tons of volunteers to pull this thing off (they have been doing it for years and years now) so I went down and lent a helping hand....

Some of the bikers about to take off.

The Disney bikers!!

Of course I was put in the team photo booth.. lol

This guy dyed his dog purple and gave him a mohawk... haha

Brittney and Sophie, the other 2 girls that worked with me.

These pictures are from Saturday morning when the bikers left... I had to be in Irvine (about 25 minutes north of my home) at a beautiful 5:30 a.m.... so that was interesting... and then I went from there to San Clemente (which is about 15 minutes South of my home) to serve the riders lunch. It was a pretty fun day altogether. On Sunday, I worked the rider return in Irvine.. basically unloading all the bikes off of the trucks and giving them to the riders when they got there. It was a lot of fun and I met a lot of interesting people! It actually made me consider doing the bike ride next year! (You don't have to do all 100 miles if you don't want to! haha)

So anyways.. that is what is going on right now. Hope you like the pictures. I'll try to do better on keeping you guys updated =)

My Second Confession

These thoughts I have are thoughts of someone settled. "Where will I be at my work in a year?" "What are my plans for some holiday that is months away?" "What classes will I be taking next semester at my school?"

So strange. Settling. Yesterday while I was picking up my lunch, I realized that I didn't know my way around this city at all. Not strange. Strange, however, when you know another city like the back of your hand. Holli still calls me for directions around Mobile. I never thought that starting over somewhere new would be so scary. "I'll make friends.... I'll find a job...." yesterday I realized that I was more scared than I thought. Which is great that I realized that just now and not when I moved... or else I wouldn't have moved.

When I left Mobile, I was 50/50 about moving. Most people said it was a great idea, that getting out of this town was what I needed. But there were a few that believed I was running away. So which is it? You can choose to believe whichever you like, but in my mind, if I was running away, then I'm okay with that. But, it's not like it hurt any less. Sure, I don't have to be around my memories all day, but that doesn't mean my mind was erased of them.

"Memories, like bullets, they fire at me from a gun."

In fact, these memories give me a reason to move forward.

The truth is, had I stayed in Mobile, I would have died. Emotionally, I would have just been dead. I would have been looking for the same thing i was always looking for all the while expecting the different results. It doesn't work that way. Like sticking a square peg in a round whole. It always results the same: IT WON'T FIT.

I'm a square peg and Mobile is my round hole. At least for now.

My feet are freezing as I right this and I am hoping that my toes don't fall off. Life without toes would be awkward.

And so here is my second confession:

I am more scared about the future than I care to admit.

There is that F word again. I'm not scared of the future by any means. I'm scared that i'll make some sort of mistake that will out me right back where I am now.

"you gotta swim

swim for your life

swim for the music that saves you

when you're not so sure you'll survive.

you gotta swim

swim when it hurts

the whole world is watching

you haven't come this far to fall off the earth."

-Jack's Mannequin

"And in the free fall I, will realize, that I'm better off when I hit the bottom."

-Paramore

My First Confession

I wonder how logical and realistic people deal with heartbreak. I'm so emotional and so influenced by gut feeling that I have never known what it's like to be logical and realistic. Do they just chock it up to life experience and keep on moving? What do they do? I imagine those people being the complete opposite of me. Which means closed off, careful with who they trust, thinks everything through before making a decision, quiet, reserved.... Basically everything I am not.

Why the hell does it still hurt so bad? It's been 3 months and I have formed an entirely new life for myself. Why does it still hurt? I am so happy and so new to all things California, but sometimes Alabama just sneaks back in. Just for the hell of it. Just to remind me that it's still a nasty little thorn sticking in my side that probably wont ever leave me alone.

I share with you my life, my feelings, my thoughts... But do you really know what is going on? Probably not... Because I don't even know what's really going on. I've got 3 people in my life right now that know how I feel without me having to even say it. Had a heart to heart with Holli Denham last night and I have to say... I would die without that girl. Would absolutely die. I am convinced she and I are the same person. Always will be.

Kayla's life is changing fast.. I am trying to keep up. That girl has a big chunk of my heart. As does Holli.

I've got somewhat of a new addition in my life. I'm learning that he is one of the strongest people I know. I'm learning that heartbreak comes in many shapes and sizes. And I learned the other night that he knew how I was feeling even before I knew how I was feeling. He is in my life for a reason.. I'm just waiting to see what that reason is.

***These are the hands of a girl who feels something unnamed waiting inside to get out, something bigger than she can hold. A girl who keeps hearing in her head that she might be asked to do something great in the world someday. A girl who has a deep desire to use her hands to help other people, but can't see how that would ever happen.***

I can't seem to describe myself in any other way. I just want to HELP. I just want to LOVE. I just want to be there for someone like so many people have been there for me. Most of all, I just want to CHANGE THE WORLD.

The worst thing you could ever break in your body is your heart.

.....So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change the situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservationalism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure.....

-Christopher Johnson McCandles "Into The Wild"

I hope you read this while listening to a life changing song so it will inspire you to do something that changes the world.

But San Francisco still sounds lovely

You say life is a dream where we can't say what we mean
Maybe just some roadside scene that we're driving past
There's no telling where we'll be in a day or in a week
And there's no promises of peace or of happiness

Well is this why you cling to every little thing
And pulverize and derange all your senses
Maybe life is a song but you're scared to sing along
Until the very ending

Oh, it's time to let go of everything we used to know
Ideas that strengthen who we've been
It's time to cut ties that won't ever free our minds
From the chains and shackles that they're in

Oh, tell me what good is saying that you're free
In a dark and storming sea
You're chained to your history, you're surely sinking fast
You say that you know that the good Lord's in control
He's gonna bless and keep your tired and oh so restless soul
But at the end of the day when every price has been paid
You're gonna rise and sit beside him on some old seat of gold
And won't you tell me why you live like you're afraid to die
You'll die like you're afraid to go

Oh, it's time to let go of everything we used to know
Ideas that strengthen who we've been
It's time to cut ties that won't ever free our minds
From chains and shackles that they're in
From the chains and shackles that they're in

Well life is a dream 'cause we're all walking in our sleep
You could see us stand in lines like we're dead upon our feet
And we build our house of cards and then we wait for it to fall
Always forget how strange it is just to be alive at all
-Patrick Park

We are nowhere and it's now
And like a ten minute dream in the passenger seat
While the world was flying by
I havent been gone very long
But it feels like a lifetime.
-Bright Eyes

Come on skinny love just last the year.
-Bon Iver

In this great future, you can't forget your past, so dry your tears I say.

Emancipate yourself from mental slavery.

Open up your eyes and look within, are you satisfied with the life your livin'?
-Bob Marley

Well the time it takes to know someone
It all can change before you know it's gone
So close your eyes and feel the way I am with you now
Believe there's nothing wrong.

You think that I want to run and hide
I keep it all locked up inside, but I just want you to find me
I'm not running, I'm not hiding,
If you dig a little deeper, you will find me.
-James Morrison

Baby close your eyes
Don't open till the morning light
Baby don't forget
We haven't lost it all yet
-The Fray

Happiness is a firecracker sitting on my headboard
Happiness was never mine to hold
Careful child, light the fuse and get away
Cause happiness throws a shower of sparks

Happiness damn near destroys you
Breaks your faith to pieces on the floor
So you tell yourself, that's enough for now
Happiness has a violent roar

Happiness is like the old man told me
Look for it, but you'll never find it all
Let it go, live your life and leave it
Then one day, wake up and she'll be home
-The Fray


Isn't very difficult to see why
you are the way you are.
Doesn't take a genius
to realise that sometimes life is hard.

It's gonna take time
but you'll just have to wait.
You're gonna be fine
but in the meantime.

I'm over here, lady
Let me wipe your tears away.
Come a little nearer, baby
'cause you'll heal over,
heal over,
heal over someday.

I don't wanna hear you tell yourself
that these feeling are in the past.
No, it doesn't mean they're off the shelf
because pain is built to last.
Everybody sails alone
oh, but we can travel side by side.
Even if you fail,
you know that no one really minds.

I'm over here, lady
Let me wipe your tears away.
Come a little nearer, baby
'cause you'll heal over,
heal over,
heal over someday.

Don't hold on,
but don't let go,
I know it's so hard.

you've got to try to
trust yourself.
I know it's so hard.
so hard, yeah.

I'm over here, lady
Let me wipe your tears away.
Come a little nearer, baby
'cause you'll heal over,
heal over,
heal over someday.

yeah you're gonna heal over.
-KT Tunstall

You've got me laughing while I sing, You've got me smiling in my sleep.

So I know you guys have been wanting to see some pictures of what is going on....



My brother Chris, his 3 year-old Kayden and brand new baby Noah Cooper McLean!



6 lbs. 13 oz. 11:22 A.M.



The beautiful family =)



My cousin Christy and I at a birthday lunch for our cousin.

Borrego Springs! My family has a house in the desert, so we went there for Labor Day weekend. A MUCH needed vacation =)

Me, Drew and Amelia on her last night here at the piano bar.

L-R: Dallas, Amelia, Jared, Me and Miles. Cousins =)

Cousins again. This was in San Diego at Miles' house.

So typical.

Mils and I went to the fair and ate everything they had that was fried. Such an epic night.

Thats just a little overview of the last couple of months... Amelia has been in Germany for almost a month now, but she is coming home this weekend for a wedding she is in... so needless to say, I am STOOOOOOOOKED to see her! Work and school are both going great. They both exhaust me so much during the week, so the weekend is always welcoming!

I had a date last weekend! I won't get all mushy on you, but his name is Sean... We had a great time... We went to Improv in this cute little town called Brea.... and we are planning on going to the L.A. fair next weekend (He understands I will be MIA all weekend because of Amelia- not even an option ;) )

Anyways... Life is hopping along.. Aunt Holly is getting ready for her marathon in October. Sadly though, it's in Chicago, so I won't get to see it, but I know she will do great!

I was very sad that I couldn't be in Alabama for the birth of my sweet angel Noah... isn't he adorable? I mean for a baby anyway... You gotta give him a couple days. The first day is always rough cause they are all sticky and gooey lookin... But he is a GOOOOOOOOD LOOKIN baby =) I know my family missed me not being there and I missed my little nugget angel Kayden, but from what I hear she has been the best big sister ever!

That is about all I have to say for now... If you are wanting a good listen... Try Conor Oberst or Benjamin Gibbard. They will make your heart happy. Other than that, prayer works too =)

LOVELOVELOVE <3

-C

Just because everything's changing, doesn't mean it's never been this way before.

I've got my memories
Always inside of me
But I can't go back
Back to how it was



I believe now
I've come too far
No I can't go back
Back to how it was



Created for a place I've never known



This is home
Now I'm finally Where I belong
Where I belong
Yeah, this is home

I've been searching For a place of my own
Now I've found it
Maybe this is home
Yeah, this is home



Belief over misery
I've seen the enemy
And I won't go back
Back to how it was
And I got my heart Set on What happens next
I got my eyes wide It's not over yet
We are miracles
And we're not alone
Yeah



And now after all My searching
After all my questions
I'm gonna call it home
I got a brand new mindset
I can finally see The sunset
I'm gonna call it home
Home



I've come too far
And I won't go back
Yeah, this is home





This is the Switchfoot song I was talking about a few posts ago.... It is from the Prince Caspian soundtrack. It's my state of mind right now. You guys know that I am happy with where I am and with the decision I have made over the last couple of months.... Sometimes I hate capitalizing things because i normally never do and I just want to be real cause you guys know the real me. so maybe there will be no more capitalizing on this post.

the whole time i have been out here, i havent really wanted to visit home other than to see my family... but i knew they would always be there, so i knew i didnt need to worry about that. talking to my freind kayla last night and for the first time in a month and a half, i genuinly missed mobile. not mobile like i left it, but the old mobile. the cold mobile where i would spend my nights at the 473 wrapped in blankets and just staring at the bonfire. the loud mobile where i would go to shows with kayla and we would dance all night with our friends.... the mobile that loved the christmas decorations that kayla and i put all over the 473. the fun dance parties we went to... the shows at the saenger theatre, greekfest, the artwalk, the lake that holli and i would sit at for hours and figure out our lives at, the trips to the beach in the winter, the many different starbucks where i learned so many life lessons and made so many friends, going to bellingrath gardens with a group of friends and fooling around the whole time....



i wish i could go on and on... the point is.. things have changed. things are different now. friends moved away and new friends came into play, babies were born and some older people have passed.... but its still my life. this is still me. all of these very different things are all happening to me... just one person. its so crazy how one person can go through so many things in life. and i dont mean only bad things.. great things too. and the thing is, we were made to be able to experience these things.... we were made to be strong at times and weak at other times. its the way our body works. no one can deal with it all. i thought maybe i could handle it... the ups and downs... the joys and sorrows... the breaking of hearts and the mending back together. bottom line.. i cant. and im so glad i have help with that.



life throws these massive curveballs at you sometimes, and you learn to live with them. most of you know me personally, and no i am not talking about my own life experiences as of late.... maybe i am. but more so about something else. the strongest people i know are the ones who have said "no i am not going to let this tear me down... im not going to let one little upset in life ruin who i am." those are strongest people i know. and i try so hard everyday to learn from these people. i want to be just like that. strong and independant and confident in who i am. i am almost there i think. i have learned a lot here recently.





thank God for life experiences. where would i be without them?

"Well I looked my demons in the eye, laid bare my chest and said 'do your best to destroy me'. See I've been to hell and back so many times, I must admit you kinda bore me"
-Ray LaMontagne

I still take my coffee with a little cold soy and 2 raw sugars.

Would it be okay, Would it be okay, If I took your breath away?

But it all boils down to one quotable phrase
If you love something, give it away
-Bright Eyes
"Landlocked Blues"


I am so sorry I have not updated in a while! I know all of you guys are wondering what is going on over here on the West Coast =)

I started work and school last week... so far so good! I work every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday from 8:30-5:30... So that has been an adjustment getting used to an adult job! haha... and then I go to school on Tuesdays and Thursdays and I also have a class on Wednesday night! So needless to say, my weeks are pretty full! My first class of the week is pretty interesting... It's called Helping Relationships... and don't worry I have had plenty of jokes about my being in that class to help with my problem of relationships... very funny. Lol I laugh at them now, I promise =) I met a girl named Ashley in that class and she is from Illinois, so it has been nice meeting someone who does not know anyone or the area very well. Needless to say, she is coming to $2 Corona with me on Tuesday! I also have a couple guy friends that go way back, Drew and Brian. They are in a co-ed softball league that plays on Tuesday nights.. So I wear the funny shirt they made me and go cheer them on...

My next class is Horticulture........ It sounds more interesting than it is. I promise. We did plant some seeds though, so hopefully they will grow! I put like 10 seeds in one little basket, so I am thinking that one of them is bound to grow! I made some friends in that class as well- a girl named Natalie who sits beside me and a guy (I think his name is Chase? I am so bad with names!) Anyways we cut up the whole time.. But we learn too ;)

On Wednesday night I have my Astronomy class. I really am interested in this class- obviously why I took it... But I think going from working all day to a 3 hour class at night... I am so tired and the teachers voice is so monotonous and he just looks like one of those crazy mad science teachers! Haha.. So at this point in the week I think I have become immune to coffee! =(

Thursday is the same as Tuesday except that I have a public speaking class at night. I made freinds with a girl who is a little older than me but is also a hairdresser. So she is really sweet and we both share a huge fear of public speaking! haha... but it's cool.. All of my teachers are great.. except the mad scientist astronomy one... I am sure he is great but on Wednesday night I don't care much to find out. haha I am so mean...

Work is going really great. I am the receptionist at the corporate office for Lindora... it's a weight loss company. My Uncle Bernie's dad actually started the comany, so Uncle Bernie is pretty high up there, so that helped when getting the job. But it is great cause I get to see him here 3 days a week and sometimes Aunt Holly when she comes in. Also, my aunt Mimi works in one of the clinics by my house so I get to see her at work every once in a while. Everyone is really nice and they all love my accent! haha... A girl named Alli trained me, and we have become good friends. There is also Dustin in IT and Sean in Customer Service that I have become friends with. Sean thinks we are going to runaway to Greenbow, AL one day, but I have not told him yet that that place does not really exist. I can't break his poor heart....

I love the drive to work everyday... it takes about 25 minutes to get here.... but I absolutely love it. It is still so strange to me to drive down the road and see mountains all around you. I cannot tell you how beautiful it is.. It's that feeling again of being small and insignificant, but in a good way... Like there is so much out there waiting to be seen.... And then there is me....Trying to see all I possibly can.....


I wanted to put some pictures on here of Amelia's last week before Germany, but I am not on my own computer, so I cannot get to those pictures right now, but as soon as I can I promise I will post some! We are going to Borrego this weekend- it is in the desert. Uncle Bernie's family has a house there that is on a golf course and it has a pool and all so that should be fun. Just me, Bernie, Holly, Mimi, her daughter Christy and our freind Donna. So I am going to try to get some cool shots there and play around with them, so I will post those too. Who knows though, I may be busy with homework the whole time!

My heart is healing.... Slowly but surely. I am making so many friends and have been so busy with school and work that I haven't had time to stop and think... But I make myself think... on the way to and from work everyday... It is the best time for it. God is taking care of everything. Things here and things at home. I pray everyday for His wisdom and guidance. So far He has been faithful.... =)

I will be home in October to see baby Noah and to celebrate my grandmother's 80th birthday. I will only be home for a weekend, so hopefully when I come home over Christmas and I have more time, we can all get together! I love all of you very much and am forever in debt to you for your prayers and support. You hold a special place in my heart.....

Baby, don't forget, you haven't lost it all yet.

All we know for sure is all that we are fighting for...

In my mind, I am a deep person. But for some reason, I cannot express those things as often as I would like. All these thoughts run through my head and they are all so intricate, but sometimes I get really frustrated because I cannot say what I am thinking or what I am feeling. Something big happens and everyone says "Well how does that make you feel?" HONESTLY..... I have no idea. How does that make me feel? This way or that.... happy, sad, contemplative, regretful, lonely.... Probably just content. Happy with my life, happy with where I am. I know this is where I need to be. I am here for a reason. I am happy that as I type each letter of this post, my computer knows which keys I am hitting.. In the same way that some people just know what to do for you when you don't have to say a word to them. There are many of those people in my life. Thank you God for that. Most of the time, I don't know how I feel, So it is nice to have those that just know.

New chapter, here we go. Work and school next week... so stoked. Learning to be who I really am. And yes, I am happy. I am free. Not confined to one place or what to what person thinks I am. This is the new me. The quirky, complicated, OCD, sometimes 5 year old that I am... that is the new me. So I will let it show and you can take it or leave it. Just as baby Noah will soon learn what life is about, I am shaping my mind to what I think... No one else. Sure, I will need help, but it's my mind and I want it shaped the best way I see fit. Couldn't do that at home. Had to get away. Thank you God for no hurricanes =) My thoughts make sense to very few people. Those are the people that stay with me. Understand it or not, they accept it. I love those people. Where would I be without them? My fingers move at a very rapid pace.. not quite as quick as my mind. So much going on up there.....

We're younger now than when we first began.

-C

We are miracles, and we're not alone...

I have been listening to this Switchfoot song called "This Is Home" from the Prince Caspian soundtrack..... If you have the chance, you should download it. It is absolutely amazing and eye opening... but try to listen to it while your doing something new... or while you are driving down the freeway with the windows down... Remember, Music needs air, so roll down your window.

Guess what? Life is good! Everyday is a new adventure out here, ones I am welcoming with open arms. God has been good to me.. That is pretty obvious... I talk to my mom and dad pretty much everyday and, even though I know it was hard for them to let their baby girl move halfway across the country, I know they can tell how happy I am and I know that makes them happy. My dad has a plane ticket he has to use soon, so I think he may come visit me! How great will that be?! I am so excited!

Not to mention, BABY NOAH WILL BE HERE SOOOOOON! It is going to be so fun having a little boy nugget, because I am only used to girl nuggets! I cannot wait! I am going to try to come home sometime in October, so if it is possible, I want to see everyone's beautiful faces!

Life out here has been so fun... Me and my cousin Amelia go to this fancy piano bar on Tuesday nights-mainly for the $2 Coronas... and we always see lots of her old friends, as well as meeting some great new ones =) Last Wednesday we went to a line dancing bar called InCahoots... Needless to say, I am a great two-stepper!

Amelia leaves for Germany next Thursday, and it's going to be really difficult not having her here. She has been so wonderful to me these last few weeks and I am going to miss her like crazy... But I am so excited for her new adventure! I am so proud of her!

Amelia's boyfriend John is in the Navy and he deployed about a week ago for 6 months, so Aunt Holly, Amelia and I have been getting him all kinds of goodies for his stay in the ocean... She wanted to do some cute pictures of her to send to him- so he doesn't forget what she looks like ;).... So that is what I have been working on this past week. I really like the way they turned out! And I even figured out my watermark! I'll only put a few up, but if you click on the picture it will take you to my Flickr where you can see the rest of them... Let me know what you think...

So that is my life as of right now... Keep checking back cause things keep changing. My heart is feeling better and lighter everyday, thanks to all of your prayers. LOVE LOVE LOVE from the west coast...

-C

But I have to..

I see your face in my mind as I drive away, Cause none of us thought it was gonna end that way. People are people, And sometimes we change our minds. But it’s killing me to see you go after all this time. Music starts playin’ like the end of a sad movie, It’s the kinda ending you don’t really wanna see. Cause it’s tragedy and it’ll only bring you down, Now I don’t know what to be without you around. And we know it’s never simple, Never easy. Never a clean break, noone here to save me. You’re the only thing I know like the back of my hand, And I can’t, Breathe, Without you, But I have to, Breathe, Without you, But I have to. Never wanted this, never wanna see you hurt. Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve. But people are people, And sometimes it doesn’t work out, Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out. And we know it’s never simple, Never easy. Never a clean break, no one here to save me. You’re the only thing I know like the back of my hand, And I can’t, Breathe, Without you, But I have to, Breathe, Without you, But I have to. It’s two a.m. Feelin' like I just lost a friend. Hope you know it’s not easy, Easy for me. It’s two a.m. Feelin’ like I just lost a friend. Hope you know this ain’t easy, Easy for me. And we know it’s never simple, Never easy. Never a clean break, noone here to save me. I can’t, Breathe, Without you, But I have to, Breathe, Without you, But I have to.

Westward Bound

Just a few pictures from my drive out West...

I don't have photoshop yet, so these are just what I played around with in IPhoto- pretty cool program for now though....

Life is still hoppin' along here... Still gotta find a job so I can make some moneyyyyy =)

I am trying to express myself through these photos, so you will see that some of them are brighter and friendlier and some of them are darker...

Anyways, I will let the pictures do the talking for now!

My Current Hair Color...

I thought maybe you guys would like to see some pictures of lovely California and my life out here.. It has not really started yet, considering it has only been 2 weeks, but my heart is happy knowing there is so much here to discover...

I am learning to try new things and not be so afraid... You can't really be afraid of much when you just randomly picked up and move for no other reason than healing....

My best friend from home, Phillip, spent a week with his family in Newport Beach so Amelia and I crashed the party =)

My girl =)

My new home =)

Numero Uno

Well this is the first of many to come... I decided maybe a blog would be a cool way for people at home to keep up with what is going on in my new adventurous life... I don't have much to say right now because my mind isn't working properly at the moment... but don't worry, I will have plenty to say in the future.

This is the start of something beautiful. Thanks for coming along....

-C