And So It Goes....

"I sit in the back of a bus watching the world grow old
Watching the world go by all by myself
I took a faith full leap and packed up all my things and
All my love and gave it to somebody else

But how do I know if I'll make it through?
How do I know? Where's the proof in you?

And so it goes, this soldier knows
The battle with the heart isn't easily won
And so it goes, this soldier knows
The battle with the heart isn't easily won
But it can be won, but it can be won"


I am ready to get going. I am ready for time to do it's thing, pack it's bag and leave my house. It has overstayed it's welcome.

Here I am in a new place, an unfamiliar, exciting new place and my mind is on one thing. That's gotta change. Things have to change. But things will only change if you WANT them to.

I WANT them to.

I'm holding myself back. I made the leap of faith and moved 2,000 miles away... but my leap doesn't end there. My leap ends when I decide that I am happy with who I am at this very moment.
I have more friends than I know what to do with, I have more support than my heart can handle, I've got so much love that Mr. Webster cannot possibly define how I feel.

Pslam 23:
1 The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
3 he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.

No longer do I want....
I'm lying down where He has placed me and I am walking peacefully where He leads me.
He picks me up daily and reminds me that I am not alone....
I do it because of Him...

In Bible times, when a shephards sheep would wander off, he would break one of their legs so that for a while they could not walk... He would carry the sheep for a time and then eventually he would make the sheep learn how to walk on the broken leg. The sheep would stay close to his master for fear of getting lost.

God has broken my legs and placed me in a place that only He could help me out of. He broke my legs, and for a while, He carried me. I am learning to walk again on my broken legs, but I am staying close to Him, for fear of getting lost and getting swallowed up by the world.

I am not scared anymore.
I realize that I will get nowhere without Him.
I know now that God will never put me in a situation that I cannot handle... because if I cannot handle it, He will always provide a way out. He will never leave my side. And He has put people in my life that act in the same way... not judging me for certain decisions, never leaving my side no matter what.

I never question life's situations anymore because EVERYTHING happens for a reason. I'm not going to try and figure those reasons out anymore. I refuse. I'm just going to stay really close to Him and know that I am safe, no matter what happens.

I know you probably wanted more of an update, but to be honest with you, this is the best I could do for right now. You have just seen into the depths of my heart....

LOVE.LOVE.LOVE.

"And so it goes, this soldier knows
(And so it goes)
The battle with the heart isn't easily won
(The war is won)
But it can be won, but it can be won"

Does Love Always Win?

I'm realizing more and more how difficult it will be to go home. Sometimes it seems easy, other times it seems difficult. Today is a difficult kind of day. One look into Kayden's bright blue eyes and suddenly I realize that I left my heart in Mobile when I took off 4 months ago. It's no suprise to me however. I knew this would be difficult. It will be the first time going home in 5 months. It's never been that long for me. Learning to live without your mom and dad close to you everyday is tough. Learning to live everyday without the laughs and giggles from your 3 year old niece is a heart breaker.

But the toughest part is learning that sometimes love cannot conquer all, and sometimes love doesn't make the world go round. Learning that sometimes love brings your world to a screeching halt, steals you from the things you love the most and places you in a world so unfamiiliar and so scary that all you are left to do is pick up your things and move forward.
Love can be your best friend and it can be your worst enemy.

For now though, all I can do is search for the best friend that I once had in love.

"Call the surgeon,
Mend the pieces. "

I wish I was Robinhood....

Love wins.. absolutly always.

I decided to blog tonight because I have a lot going through my mind... So why not blog and get it all out, eh? I miss the fam like crazy... I miss my sweet angel Kayden... and Melody will be one soon!! Wow.... and cute little Noah that I have yet to hold in my arms... I am counting down the days.

California is good to me, but there is nothing like the innocence of a sweet child to mend a broken heart. I want the heart of a child. Loving and carefree....

Sometimes I miss the old days. I looked at old pictures today and I miss my love. That is a given. No suprise there! lol.... Simpler times it seemed. School goes on, work goes on. Friends come and go... coming more than going, thank God =) I need lots of friends. So thankful for that. Amelia is home in a month and I am once again counting down the days.

I am glad that my life is not dictated by other people. There are people around me that of course I want to make happy and and I want them to be happy with me and what I am doing in my life.... But there is one person that I live my life for, and if you know me well enough, then I do not need to tell you who that is. I feel free because it's my own life and no one elses. I answer to myself for the choices that I make. And although all of those choices may not be the right one... it is a learning process..

I still believe 100% that things and events happen for a reason. I have learned so much from the things that have happened. Now I am a little more careful with who I give my heart to... and I am little more careful with whose heart I take. I am new to both of those things, but I really am trying.

I am having fun here.... California has done me good. I love my friends... I love the new people I meet.... I love the fact that no one knows me here and no one knows anyone I know. It makes me forever happy to be new. Life is happy right now. No reason to be upset about anything. Sure, sometimes I feel like life dealt me a pretty shitty hand a few months ago.... but it must have been for some reason... something bigger than me... something that I simply cannot understand at the moment. And that is okay. I am tired of trying to figure life out... tired of planning life out. I am just going to ride the wave and see where it takes me... If it crashes, then I'll catch the next one and see if that works.... Life is about change. Whether you are ready for it or not, it is coming.

Half of my heart's got a real good imagination, healf of my heart's got you.

She said "I've gotta be honest, You're wasting your time if you're stickin' round here..."

I always knew that music was a huge part of my life from the day I was born. But I never knew that it would have the impact on me that it has had...

"If you want more love, why don't you say so?"

I've known for a long time that how I react to certain situations is different than others. That's a fact of life- everyone is different. But, I never thought that 98% of the time, the only way for me to express myself would be through someone elses music. I can listen to a song and it will be EXACTLY how I feel and the only way I know to express myself... but the person I am trying to get the point across to, just doesn't get it. And that is what I don't get- "How could this not make sense to you?"

"I don't care if we don't sleep at all tonight, Let's just fix this whole thing now. I swear to God We're gonna get it right, If you'de lay your weapons down."

I think this thought process comes from seeing "Pirate Radio" at the movies last night, and John Mayer's new cd coming out today. Music speaks to different people in different ways- so don't criticize music. If you don't like, just say it's not your style. Country music is not my style... but I can edure it. I dated a guy that opened me up tp the world of blues music. That is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I learned that everyones music- from John Mayer, to Keith Urban, to Ratatat, to Taylor Swift, to Bob Marley, to Elton John (I could go on and on)- it all came from somewhere. Sure, you have those that broke through the music mold and tried something new and changed the world of music as we know it- but all music is influenced by other music. Don't just listen to a song or an artist and be happy with it- find out where it came from. You are cheating yourself if you don't. That's one of the most important lessons I have learned.

I can't possibly listen to a song anymore and immediatley dislike it. It's such a long thought process that happens.

This music is the heart of this person... It's their thoughts, their feelings, what they deal with in everyday life. It makes you realize that these are real people and not super mega rockstars that appear to be on a whole other wavelength- they're the same as us.

More often than not, I listen to a song and wonder if the artist probed inside my brain and decided to write a song on exactly how I think and feel, and I know a lot of people that feel the same way. You cannot over-analyze music- you take it for what it is. You can't sit and wonder "Who is this written for, who is this written about?" Just be thankful that it was even written at all...

You have to let music touch your heart in a way that nothing else ever could (physically speaking). Listen to Jimi or Stevie and get lost in the riffs, listen to Eva or Emmylou and get lost in the lyrics, or simply listen to Mozart or Bach and get lost in yourself....

Music is a healer. Music is always enough.


"Suddenly I'm in, over my head and I can hardly breathe,
Suddenly I know exactly what I did, but I cannot move a thing.
Suddenly I know, exactly what I'de done and what it's gonna mean to me, mean to me."

GET THIS ALBUM. NOW.

you would not believe your eyes
if ten million fireflies lit up the world as i fell asleep
'Cause they'd fill the open air
and leave teardrops everywhere
you'd think me rude but I would just stand and stare

I'd like to make myself believe
that planet Earth turns slowly
Its hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems

'Cause I'd get a thousand hugs from ten thousand lightning bugs
as they tried to teach me how to dance
A foxtrot above my head
a sock hop beneath my bed
a disco ball is just hanging by a thread

When I fall asleep leave my door open just a crack
(please take me away from here)
'Cause I feel like such an insomniac
(please take me away from here)
why do I tire of counting sheep
(please take me away from here)
when I'm far too tired to fall asleep

To ten million fireflies
I'm weird 'cause I hate goodbyes
I got misty eyes as they said farewell
but I'll know where several are
if my dreams get real bizarre
'cause I saved a few and I keep them in a jar

(I fall asleep)
I'd like to make myself believe that planet earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
Because my dreams are bursting at the seams

-Owl City