It's been one whole year since this fiasco beagn...

Can you believe it? Yeah. neither can I. Subconsciously, my mind has shut down. People say "Oh what are your halloween plans? What kind of parties are you going to?" And I am like... ohhh I don't think I am doing anything... I'll just hand out candy to the cute little trick or treaters when they come to my house... I never made plans. I just didn't want to. And it wasn't until yesterday that I figured out why I didn't want to. I have so many things that I am thinking about right... so many thoughts I want to get out of my head..... WHY? Is there any better question to ask other than why?

As always, the only way I feel you will understand how I feel is through music...

You see love is a drink that goes straight to my head
And time is a lover and I'm caught in her stare
And the sentiment there follows me straight to my bed through the night
I've got my life in a suitcase,
I'm ready to run, run, run away..
I've got no time, 'cause I'm always trying to run, run, run away
'Cause everyday in here feels like it's only a game.
I've got my life in a suitcase, a suitcase, a suitcase...
-THe Day I Lost My Voice (The Suitcase Song)

It is the one year anniversary of this song. Love it so much.



The sun burns a hole straight through your old flaws
If you look toward the sky even on your greyest night

Could you be happy now, with the wind in your hair
And your eyes open wide and your feet going nowhere?
Could you be happy to fall like a stone
If you'd land right here safe in my arms?
It's fine, lock all your doors through the night
Keep it all right here, safe in my arms
It's fine
-On The Safest Ledge

I am a mix of emotions right now. Sad, happy, excited, scared, confused, indifferent, amazed, anxious, needy, independant... most of all contradicted.

If you have a chance, get the Copeland album "You Are My Sunshine".
Music is always enough for me. No matter what day it is.

Grab your bag and grab your coat, tell the ones that need to know, that we are headed north...

Hello everyone! I know it's been a hot minute since I have updated... but I have pictures! As always, school and work keep me busy and exhausted! Holly, Bernie, Mimi and I went to Oxnard for our cousins wedding a couple weekends ago... such a fun time =) Aunt Holly has been training for her marathon in Chicago and it was this last weekend! She's a super stud mom running marathons at 53! Haha... so anyways... Mimi is going to visit her girls in Mississippi soon and I will be staying with Christy while she is gone.. so that should be a fun time.


FOR MOM =)

Uncle Bernie and I... not sure what to do.

Aunty Holly and I

Bernie, Holly, me and Mimi at the reception

Holly, Cousin Rhonda, me, Cousin Dottie and Mimi

With the beautiful bride Holly =)

Goofin off

Here is my desk at work... Obviously a busy day..

This last weekend, Orange County put on the Bay to Bay Bike MS 2009. It is a bike ride starting in Irvine, CA and going to Carlsbad one day, then going from Carlsbad to Mission Beach, CA (Which is in San Diego) the next day. The bikers are from all sorts of places and are sponsored from all different places... Some were from Disney, some were from Land Rover, and some were sponsored by Cox Cable. There were probably over 100 teams in all. Anyways, they needed tons of volunteers to pull this thing off (they have been doing it for years and years now) so I went down and lent a helping hand....

Some of the bikers about to take off.

The Disney bikers!!

Of course I was put in the team photo booth.. lol

This guy dyed his dog purple and gave him a mohawk... haha

Brittney and Sophie, the other 2 girls that worked with me.

These pictures are from Saturday morning when the bikers left... I had to be in Irvine (about 25 minutes north of my home) at a beautiful 5:30 a.m.... so that was interesting... and then I went from there to San Clemente (which is about 15 minutes South of my home) to serve the riders lunch. It was a pretty fun day altogether. On Sunday, I worked the rider return in Irvine.. basically unloading all the bikes off of the trucks and giving them to the riders when they got there. It was a lot of fun and I met a lot of interesting people! It actually made me consider doing the bike ride next year! (You don't have to do all 100 miles if you don't want to! haha)

So anyways.. that is what is going on right now. Hope you like the pictures. I'll try to do better on keeping you guys updated =)

My Second Confession

These thoughts I have are thoughts of someone settled. "Where will I be at my work in a year?" "What are my plans for some holiday that is months away?" "What classes will I be taking next semester at my school?"

So strange. Settling. Yesterday while I was picking up my lunch, I realized that I didn't know my way around this city at all. Not strange. Strange, however, when you know another city like the back of your hand. Holli still calls me for directions around Mobile. I never thought that starting over somewhere new would be so scary. "I'll make friends.... I'll find a job...." yesterday I realized that I was more scared than I thought. Which is great that I realized that just now and not when I moved... or else I wouldn't have moved.

When I left Mobile, I was 50/50 about moving. Most people said it was a great idea, that getting out of this town was what I needed. But there were a few that believed I was running away. So which is it? You can choose to believe whichever you like, but in my mind, if I was running away, then I'm okay with that. But, it's not like it hurt any less. Sure, I don't have to be around my memories all day, but that doesn't mean my mind was erased of them.

"Memories, like bullets, they fire at me from a gun."

In fact, these memories give me a reason to move forward.

The truth is, had I stayed in Mobile, I would have died. Emotionally, I would have just been dead. I would have been looking for the same thing i was always looking for all the while expecting the different results. It doesn't work that way. Like sticking a square peg in a round whole. It always results the same: IT WON'T FIT.

I'm a square peg and Mobile is my round hole. At least for now.

My feet are freezing as I right this and I am hoping that my toes don't fall off. Life without toes would be awkward.

And so here is my second confession:

I am more scared about the future than I care to admit.

There is that F word again. I'm not scared of the future by any means. I'm scared that i'll make some sort of mistake that will out me right back where I am now.

"you gotta swim

swim for your life

swim for the music that saves you

when you're not so sure you'll survive.

you gotta swim

swim when it hurts

the whole world is watching

you haven't come this far to fall off the earth."

-Jack's Mannequin

"And in the free fall I, will realize, that I'm better off when I hit the bottom."

-Paramore