Forgiveness

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.
-Lewis B. Smedes,

He who cannot forgive breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass.
-George Herbert

Forgiveness is a funny thing isn't it? You can say that you have forgiven someone, but you still remember what they did to you, and the cut still stings a little bit when you think about it. But that is not forgiveness. Forgiveness is telling someone that everything that they have done to you in the past has been made well, and you have forgotten about their injustices completely. AND THEN YOU FORGET IT.

Most people know what I have been dealing with for the last year, so I don't have a problem talking openly about it. After having lived in California for 4 months or so, I remember one particular day where I was just feeling so down, and so depressed about the situation. Usually there isn't much I can do to make the feeling go away but give it time. I was on facebook and I was talking to one of my best friends, Phillip about it all and finally he just said "Carrie, you will have closure only when you forgive." God, if that wasn't a ton of bricks on my chest...

From then on, I began everyday with an intention to forgive Justin for the heartbreak he had caused me. Afterall, that was the only way to have closure. And everyday it felt more like a routine than something that was supposed to be putting my broken heart back together again.

It's been about 6 months since Phillip said that to me, and I am just now realizing that while it takes forgivness to get closure, it takes a lot more to get even close to the point where you can forgive. I can tell you that I forgive you until I am blue in the face, but it won't do any good if I have not forgotten.

Now, don't get me wrong... forgetting is the hardest thing in the world. How do you just completely erase those things from your mind without going all Men In Black with a mind eraser device? My advice on forgetting is just move 2000 miles away. 2 weeks after we called off the engagement, I moved to California and put myself in an entirely new situation with all different family and friends surrounding me. Not one thing reminds me of him here. Some may say that is the equivalent to running away... whatever you want to call it, I am glad I did. It made me forget. I realiaze that not everyone can just up and move 2000 miles across the country when something bad happens to them. But in my experience, this was the best choice for me. I wasn't growing in Mobile. I was stagnant. I need to leave so that I could forget.

But I also needed to get leave so that I could remember. Remember how much I love California, my friends here, how close I am with all of my cousins.... remember the excitement of a new place with new things and new adventures.

And one more thing it made me remember: Donnie. I've told you the story of meeting Donnie (who is from, and currently lives in, Illinois) in Europe 6 years ago and then reconnecting.. IN CALIFORNIA. How funny.... Things have a tendency to work themselves out in the weirdest of ways. I have learned not to question why things happen anymore. They happen for a reason that, at the time, we may not understand, or we may think is complete crap... But they still happen regardless.

And so, back to this forgiveness thing... It is probably the most important thing in the world. My Uncle Tom passed away back in 2005. He never really had a relationship with God, but one year before he died, he gained an amazing relationship with Him. My mom told me that, before he passed, he called everyone that he could think of that he had ever done wrong to, and he asked them to forgive him for the things he had done. People from years and years ago that probably didn't even remember what it was that he had done wrong to them. I thought that was the most beautiful story...

Spring is here and I think that Spring is the most wonderful time for forgiving. Sure, the new year is a great chance to start over and make things new, but I happen to like Spring better. Flowers are blooming, making the view from the freeway so much brighter. The weather is getting warmer, meaning darker skin for me and no more being transparent! Summer break is coming and it will be nice to have a small break from school. Donnie is planning on moving here in July... I am counting down the days.... That boy stole a big chunk of my heart. He has been good to me. And good for me. Label or no label, I couldn't be more thankful to God for putting him back in my life. Like I said, things happen for a reason. God does things in the most bizarre and mysterious ways.

As for an update on my life: Work, school, eat, work school, eat, line dancing, work school, eat, work, school, eat.... That's the gist of it! I am doing well in both of my classes this semester! Both of my teachers are so great and make it so easy to learn in the class.. I couldn't be happier with how that worked out. But I am also very excited to have a small break for the summer!

Aunt Holly and Uncle Bernie continue to be amazing sub-parents. Still so shocked by how much they do for me. That is love.
Amelia is moving to San Diego within the next few weeks.. John came home!! Needless to say, she is a very happy girl. Say a prayer for her to find a good job in SD....

Life continues to get better out here. Can't wait to see my family and my babies over the summer... I keep telling Amanda and Chris that their kids probably won't turn out to be normal humans if they don't see me soon, but I guess that is a risk they are willing to take..... Melody is walking all over the place from what I hear... she looks just like both Todd (which I will now start calling JT thanks to Aunt Holly) and Ashley... She is so beautiful!

As always, I hope that each person that reads my blog is touched in one way or another. I think that is one of the main reason I keep a blog. Pop tells me my writing is good, and if it really is, then I want people to hear what I have to say, incase whatever it is I have to say on any given day is exactly what they needed to hear. That has happened to me a number of times with other people's writing, so I don't want to deprive anyone of that. Plus I just love to write. SO it's a win-win situation.

I would love to hear how everyone is doing. Hopefully everyone has my email address, but if not:
carriebmclean@gmail.com

LOVELOVELOVE
-C

There is no end to what I'm saying

It takes a night to make it dawn
and it takes a day to make you yawn brother
it takes some old to make you young
it takes some cold to know the sun
it takes the one to have the other

And it takes no time to fall in love
but it takes you years to know what love is
and it takes some fears to make you trust
it takes those tears to make it rust
it takes the dust to have it polished

ha la la la la la la life is wonderful
ah la la la la la la life goes full circle
ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
ah la la la it is so

-Jason Mraz

Currently listening to Jason Mraz, wishing he could be the background music to my life. THat guy has a song for everything! Even for his cat...

I took a trip to Illinois last weekend to visit an old friend. Interesting story there, which I believe I mentioned in an earlier blog.

I'm not always sure what to expect in situations like these. And in 'situations like these', I mean reconnecting with a friend after 6 years of not seeing each other... Remembering the childhood crush you had when you first became friends... Knowing that they have become one of your best friends in the last 5 months that you have reconnected...

So I guess it's not that I wasn't sure what to expect in this situation, it's more like 'I have never experienced something this wild ever in my life and could this really be happening right now and if it is, what am I supposed to do... what am I supposed to feel, how am I supposed to act??

I tend to get a little dramatic in the most simplest times. But I just wanted everything to be perfect.

Needless to say, my trip to Illinois was more than I ever thought it would be. Not only did I get to spend time with an old friend, but I made new ones and I had the most wonderful adventures.

Moving on is a beautiful thing. It never happens all at once. When you think it's good and done, something sneaks right back in, and gives that knife another little twist. I'm not claiming to have entirely moved on from the situations that have taken place in my life, but through several different events... well, let's just say my heart is mending faster than I anticipated it would.

I think my favorite line in the aforementioned song is "Life goes full circle"

An odd one to pick as a favorite, I understand, but let me break it down.

9 months ago my world fell apart... I fell apart. I didn't want to move on. I didn't want an attempt at happiness. I wanted to sulk in my sorrows for the rest of my life. I wanted things to be dark and sullen and I didn't want anyone to cheer me up. I thought that my life had ended. Afterall, where do you go when you have a broken heart? What do you do with yourself then? If you aren't going to put youre whole heart into what you are doing and where you are going, then why do it at all? When you're heart gets broken and you don't feel like you have even one-sixteenth of a heart, then life seems to be over.

So I did the only thing I knew to do. I relied on the support of my family and a few close friends. I listened to words of wisdom, similar heartbreak stories, and anything at all that was supposed to make my heart come back. When that didn't work like I wanted it to, I moved 2000 miles away. My family and friends remained supportive, just from a distance. Since that time 9 months ago when I moved out here, I have realized that it was the best thing I could have done... the only thing I could have done.

Things in your life happen for a reason. It's not because of fate, or the stars being lined up right, or any of that. Every single moment in your life happens because of where you are, who you are and what you're doing.

I got a message back in October from a guy that I had met in Europe 5 years before, just checking in, seeing how things were going. A few messages later, he informed me of a trip he was making to California with some friends. Coincidentally, he was coming right where I lived. He was excited to find out that I lived here now and I was excited that we would be able to reconnect after such a long time.

It's funny to think that you could spend 2 weeks with someone in a foriegn country, become great friends, keep in touch for a year or so, then 5 years later, pick up exactly where you left off in a place where neither of you are even from. That's a pretty wild thing to me.

And so the story goes, we kept in touch this time, and that brings us back to my trip to Illinois last week. I left for IL on the March 13, which is also the day that I was supposed to get married. Crazy, huh? It was a tough day for me. My cousin drove me to the airport, and though she didn't want to ask, she had to know how I was doing. "Fine." But I didn't give her much else. I didn't say much to anyone, in fact. It wasn' somethign I wanted to talk about. I just wanted to make it through the day without crying.

I was so excited about seeing Donnie... Through many, many phone conversations, it felt like I had gained a new best friend. It's not something I can easily put into words. My plane was delayed a couple hours, so there was more of just sitting and waiting in an airport that was the size of my living room with as many people as could fit on 8 planes combined.

I finally landed in Chicago and instantly felt better because I knew this would be a whole new adventure. Donnie picked me up from the airport, and we drove the 2 hours through rain and flat lands and a barely visible highway. It was cold and windy, but at that moment, I couldn't have been happier about the direction my life was going. Here I was on this new adventure of sorts that I somehow provided for myself, having the time of my life with someone that means so much to me.

The weekend flew by entirely too fast. I got to see his band play at a club in Champagne, got to meet his big Italian family, and most of all, got to relax and not have to worry about a thing. It truly was a vacation. We stayed up way too late and slept in way too late, but I guess that's just what you need sometimes.

So back to the song.... "Life goes full circle"

I flew back to California feeling sad that I couldn't stay on vacation forever. But I got home with this feeling of completion, of sorts. I felt, in some weird way, that my heart had come full circle. It has not, by any means, forgotten what happened. Forgiveness is still something I am working on. It gets easier each day. But my heart, for the first time in such a long time, it feels safe again. And that is something that I couldn't describe to you in words if my life depended on it. Having a whole heart is shown more through your actions, I think. It is true that actions speak louder that words and in the same way, I think it is true that your actions show the feelings of your heart better than your words ever could.

This story may all sound a bit mushy to you, but it's the truth. I don't feel like hiding my insane feelings anymore. If I am bursting with love, I want someone to know it.

I guess the moral of all of this, is to be who you are, no matter what. You never ever ever know how your life, your words and your actions are touching someones heart. Don't let a day go by without telling someone you love them, because they just might forget.

And if it feels like you're whole world is crumbling around you, just know that life really does go full circle.

LOVELOVELOVE
-C