My Second Confession

These thoughts I have are thoughts of someone settled. "Where will I be at my work in a year?" "What are my plans for some holiday that is months away?" "What classes will I be taking next semester at my school?"

So strange. Settling. Yesterday while I was picking up my lunch, I realized that I didn't know my way around this city at all. Not strange. Strange, however, when you know another city like the back of your hand. Holli still calls me for directions around Mobile. I never thought that starting over somewhere new would be so scary. "I'll make friends.... I'll find a job...." yesterday I realized that I was more scared than I thought. Which is great that I realized that just now and not when I moved... or else I wouldn't have moved.

When I left Mobile, I was 50/50 about moving. Most people said it was a great idea, that getting out of this town was what I needed. But there were a few that believed I was running away. So which is it? You can choose to believe whichever you like, but in my mind, if I was running away, then I'm okay with that. But, it's not like it hurt any less. Sure, I don't have to be around my memories all day, but that doesn't mean my mind was erased of them.

"Memories, like bullets, they fire at me from a gun."

In fact, these memories give me a reason to move forward.

The truth is, had I stayed in Mobile, I would have died. Emotionally, I would have just been dead. I would have been looking for the same thing i was always looking for all the while expecting the different results. It doesn't work that way. Like sticking a square peg in a round whole. It always results the same: IT WON'T FIT.

I'm a square peg and Mobile is my round hole. At least for now.

My feet are freezing as I right this and I am hoping that my toes don't fall off. Life without toes would be awkward.

And so here is my second confession:

I am more scared about the future than I care to admit.

There is that F word again. I'm not scared of the future by any means. I'm scared that i'll make some sort of mistake that will out me right back where I am now.

"you gotta swim

swim for your life

swim for the music that saves you

when you're not so sure you'll survive.

you gotta swim

swim when it hurts

the whole world is watching

you haven't come this far to fall off the earth."

-Jack's Mannequin

"And in the free fall I, will realize, that I'm better off when I hit the bottom."

-Paramore