My First Confession

I wonder how logical and realistic people deal with heartbreak. I'm so emotional and so influenced by gut feeling that I have never known what it's like to be logical and realistic. Do they just chock it up to life experience and keep on moving? What do they do? I imagine those people being the complete opposite of me. Which means closed off, careful with who they trust, thinks everything through before making a decision, quiet, reserved.... Basically everything I am not.

Why the hell does it still hurt so bad? It's been 3 months and I have formed an entirely new life for myself. Why does it still hurt? I am so happy and so new to all things California, but sometimes Alabama just sneaks back in. Just for the hell of it. Just to remind me that it's still a nasty little thorn sticking in my side that probably wont ever leave me alone.

I share with you my life, my feelings, my thoughts... But do you really know what is going on? Probably not... Because I don't even know what's really going on. I've got 3 people in my life right now that know how I feel without me having to even say it. Had a heart to heart with Holli Denham last night and I have to say... I would die without that girl. Would absolutely die. I am convinced she and I are the same person. Always will be.

Kayla's life is changing fast.. I am trying to keep up. That girl has a big chunk of my heart. As does Holli.

I've got somewhat of a new addition in my life. I'm learning that he is one of the strongest people I know. I'm learning that heartbreak comes in many shapes and sizes. And I learned the other night that he knew how I was feeling even before I knew how I was feeling. He is in my life for a reason.. I'm just waiting to see what that reason is.

***These are the hands of a girl who feels something unnamed waiting inside to get out, something bigger than she can hold. A girl who keeps hearing in her head that she might be asked to do something great in the world someday. A girl who has a deep desire to use her hands to help other people, but can't see how that would ever happen.***

I can't seem to describe myself in any other way. I just want to HELP. I just want to LOVE. I just want to be there for someone like so many people have been there for me. Most of all, I just want to CHANGE THE WORLD.

The worst thing you could ever break in your body is your heart.

.....So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change the situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservationalism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure.....

-Christopher Johnson McCandles "Into The Wild"

I hope you read this while listening to a life changing song so it will inspire you to do something that changes the world.

But San Francisco still sounds lovely

You say life is a dream where we can't say what we mean
Maybe just some roadside scene that we're driving past
There's no telling where we'll be in a day or in a week
And there's no promises of peace or of happiness

Well is this why you cling to every little thing
And pulverize and derange all your senses
Maybe life is a song but you're scared to sing along
Until the very ending

Oh, it's time to let go of everything we used to know
Ideas that strengthen who we've been
It's time to cut ties that won't ever free our minds
From the chains and shackles that they're in

Oh, tell me what good is saying that you're free
In a dark and storming sea
You're chained to your history, you're surely sinking fast
You say that you know that the good Lord's in control
He's gonna bless and keep your tired and oh so restless soul
But at the end of the day when every price has been paid
You're gonna rise and sit beside him on some old seat of gold
And won't you tell me why you live like you're afraid to die
You'll die like you're afraid to go

Oh, it's time to let go of everything we used to know
Ideas that strengthen who we've been
It's time to cut ties that won't ever free our minds
From chains and shackles that they're in
From the chains and shackles that they're in

Well life is a dream 'cause we're all walking in our sleep
You could see us stand in lines like we're dead upon our feet
And we build our house of cards and then we wait for it to fall
Always forget how strange it is just to be alive at all
-Patrick Park

We are nowhere and it's now
And like a ten minute dream in the passenger seat
While the world was flying by
I havent been gone very long
But it feels like a lifetime.
-Bright Eyes

Come on skinny love just last the year.
-Bon Iver

In this great future, you can't forget your past, so dry your tears I say.

Emancipate yourself from mental slavery.

Open up your eyes and look within, are you satisfied with the life your livin'?
-Bob Marley

Well the time it takes to know someone
It all can change before you know it's gone
So close your eyes and feel the way I am with you now
Believe there's nothing wrong.

You think that I want to run and hide
I keep it all locked up inside, but I just want you to find me
I'm not running, I'm not hiding,
If you dig a little deeper, you will find me.
-James Morrison

Baby close your eyes
Don't open till the morning light
Baby don't forget
We haven't lost it all yet
-The Fray

Happiness is a firecracker sitting on my headboard
Happiness was never mine to hold
Careful child, light the fuse and get away
Cause happiness throws a shower of sparks

Happiness damn near destroys you
Breaks your faith to pieces on the floor
So you tell yourself, that's enough for now
Happiness has a violent roar

Happiness is like the old man told me
Look for it, but you'll never find it all
Let it go, live your life and leave it
Then one day, wake up and she'll be home
-The Fray


Isn't very difficult to see why
you are the way you are.
Doesn't take a genius
to realise that sometimes life is hard.

It's gonna take time
but you'll just have to wait.
You're gonna be fine
but in the meantime.

I'm over here, lady
Let me wipe your tears away.
Come a little nearer, baby
'cause you'll heal over,
heal over,
heal over someday.

I don't wanna hear you tell yourself
that these feeling are in the past.
No, it doesn't mean they're off the shelf
because pain is built to last.
Everybody sails alone
oh, but we can travel side by side.
Even if you fail,
you know that no one really minds.

I'm over here, lady
Let me wipe your tears away.
Come a little nearer, baby
'cause you'll heal over,
heal over,
heal over someday.

Don't hold on,
but don't let go,
I know it's so hard.

you've got to try to
trust yourself.
I know it's so hard.
so hard, yeah.

I'm over here, lady
Let me wipe your tears away.
Come a little nearer, baby
'cause you'll heal over,
heal over,
heal over someday.

yeah you're gonna heal over.
-KT Tunstall

You've got me laughing while I sing, You've got me smiling in my sleep.

So I know you guys have been wanting to see some pictures of what is going on....



My brother Chris, his 3 year-old Kayden and brand new baby Noah Cooper McLean!



6 lbs. 13 oz. 11:22 A.M.



The beautiful family =)



My cousin Christy and I at a birthday lunch for our cousin.

Borrego Springs! My family has a house in the desert, so we went there for Labor Day weekend. A MUCH needed vacation =)

Me, Drew and Amelia on her last night here at the piano bar.

L-R: Dallas, Amelia, Jared, Me and Miles. Cousins =)

Cousins again. This was in San Diego at Miles' house.

So typical.

Mils and I went to the fair and ate everything they had that was fried. Such an epic night.

Thats just a little overview of the last couple of months... Amelia has been in Germany for almost a month now, but she is coming home this weekend for a wedding she is in... so needless to say, I am STOOOOOOOOKED to see her! Work and school are both going great. They both exhaust me so much during the week, so the weekend is always welcoming!

I had a date last weekend! I won't get all mushy on you, but his name is Sean... We had a great time... We went to Improv in this cute little town called Brea.... and we are planning on going to the L.A. fair next weekend (He understands I will be MIA all weekend because of Amelia- not even an option ;) )

Anyways... Life is hopping along.. Aunt Holly is getting ready for her marathon in October. Sadly though, it's in Chicago, so I won't get to see it, but I know she will do great!

I was very sad that I couldn't be in Alabama for the birth of my sweet angel Noah... isn't he adorable? I mean for a baby anyway... You gotta give him a couple days. The first day is always rough cause they are all sticky and gooey lookin... But he is a GOOOOOOOOD LOOKIN baby =) I know my family missed me not being there and I missed my little nugget angel Kayden, but from what I hear she has been the best big sister ever!

That is about all I have to say for now... If you are wanting a good listen... Try Conor Oberst or Benjamin Gibbard. They will make your heart happy. Other than that, prayer works too =)

LOVELOVELOVE <3

-C

Just because everything's changing, doesn't mean it's never been this way before.

I've got my memories
Always inside of me
But I can't go back
Back to how it was



I believe now
I've come too far
No I can't go back
Back to how it was



Created for a place I've never known



This is home
Now I'm finally Where I belong
Where I belong
Yeah, this is home

I've been searching For a place of my own
Now I've found it
Maybe this is home
Yeah, this is home



Belief over misery
I've seen the enemy
And I won't go back
Back to how it was
And I got my heart Set on What happens next
I got my eyes wide It's not over yet
We are miracles
And we're not alone
Yeah



And now after all My searching
After all my questions
I'm gonna call it home
I got a brand new mindset
I can finally see The sunset
I'm gonna call it home
Home



I've come too far
And I won't go back
Yeah, this is home





This is the Switchfoot song I was talking about a few posts ago.... It is from the Prince Caspian soundtrack. It's my state of mind right now. You guys know that I am happy with where I am and with the decision I have made over the last couple of months.... Sometimes I hate capitalizing things because i normally never do and I just want to be real cause you guys know the real me. so maybe there will be no more capitalizing on this post.

the whole time i have been out here, i havent really wanted to visit home other than to see my family... but i knew they would always be there, so i knew i didnt need to worry about that. talking to my freind kayla last night and for the first time in a month and a half, i genuinly missed mobile. not mobile like i left it, but the old mobile. the cold mobile where i would spend my nights at the 473 wrapped in blankets and just staring at the bonfire. the loud mobile where i would go to shows with kayla and we would dance all night with our friends.... the mobile that loved the christmas decorations that kayla and i put all over the 473. the fun dance parties we went to... the shows at the saenger theatre, greekfest, the artwalk, the lake that holli and i would sit at for hours and figure out our lives at, the trips to the beach in the winter, the many different starbucks where i learned so many life lessons and made so many friends, going to bellingrath gardens with a group of friends and fooling around the whole time....



i wish i could go on and on... the point is.. things have changed. things are different now. friends moved away and new friends came into play, babies were born and some older people have passed.... but its still my life. this is still me. all of these very different things are all happening to me... just one person. its so crazy how one person can go through so many things in life. and i dont mean only bad things.. great things too. and the thing is, we were made to be able to experience these things.... we were made to be strong at times and weak at other times. its the way our body works. no one can deal with it all. i thought maybe i could handle it... the ups and downs... the joys and sorrows... the breaking of hearts and the mending back together. bottom line.. i cant. and im so glad i have help with that.



life throws these massive curveballs at you sometimes, and you learn to live with them. most of you know me personally, and no i am not talking about my own life experiences as of late.... maybe i am. but more so about something else. the strongest people i know are the ones who have said "no i am not going to let this tear me down... im not going to let one little upset in life ruin who i am." those are strongest people i know. and i try so hard everyday to learn from these people. i want to be just like that. strong and independant and confident in who i am. i am almost there i think. i have learned a lot here recently.





thank God for life experiences. where would i be without them?

"Well I looked my demons in the eye, laid bare my chest and said 'do your best to destroy me'. See I've been to hell and back so many times, I must admit you kinda bore me"
-Ray LaMontagne

I still take my coffee with a little cold soy and 2 raw sugars.

Would it be okay, Would it be okay, If I took your breath away?

But it all boils down to one quotable phrase
If you love something, give it away
-Bright Eyes
"Landlocked Blues"


I am so sorry I have not updated in a while! I know all of you guys are wondering what is going on over here on the West Coast =)

I started work and school last week... so far so good! I work every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday from 8:30-5:30... So that has been an adjustment getting used to an adult job! haha... and then I go to school on Tuesdays and Thursdays and I also have a class on Wednesday night! So needless to say, my weeks are pretty full! My first class of the week is pretty interesting... It's called Helping Relationships... and don't worry I have had plenty of jokes about my being in that class to help with my problem of relationships... very funny. Lol I laugh at them now, I promise =) I met a girl named Ashley in that class and she is from Illinois, so it has been nice meeting someone who does not know anyone or the area very well. Needless to say, she is coming to $2 Corona with me on Tuesday! I also have a couple guy friends that go way back, Drew and Brian. They are in a co-ed softball league that plays on Tuesday nights.. So I wear the funny shirt they made me and go cheer them on...

My next class is Horticulture........ It sounds more interesting than it is. I promise. We did plant some seeds though, so hopefully they will grow! I put like 10 seeds in one little basket, so I am thinking that one of them is bound to grow! I made some friends in that class as well- a girl named Natalie who sits beside me and a guy (I think his name is Chase? I am so bad with names!) Anyways we cut up the whole time.. But we learn too ;)

On Wednesday night I have my Astronomy class. I really am interested in this class- obviously why I took it... But I think going from working all day to a 3 hour class at night... I am so tired and the teachers voice is so monotonous and he just looks like one of those crazy mad science teachers! Haha.. So at this point in the week I think I have become immune to coffee! =(

Thursday is the same as Tuesday except that I have a public speaking class at night. I made freinds with a girl who is a little older than me but is also a hairdresser. So she is really sweet and we both share a huge fear of public speaking! haha... but it's cool.. All of my teachers are great.. except the mad scientist astronomy one... I am sure he is great but on Wednesday night I don't care much to find out. haha I am so mean...

Work is going really great. I am the receptionist at the corporate office for Lindora... it's a weight loss company. My Uncle Bernie's dad actually started the comany, so Uncle Bernie is pretty high up there, so that helped when getting the job. But it is great cause I get to see him here 3 days a week and sometimes Aunt Holly when she comes in. Also, my aunt Mimi works in one of the clinics by my house so I get to see her at work every once in a while. Everyone is really nice and they all love my accent! haha... A girl named Alli trained me, and we have become good friends. There is also Dustin in IT and Sean in Customer Service that I have become friends with. Sean thinks we are going to runaway to Greenbow, AL one day, but I have not told him yet that that place does not really exist. I can't break his poor heart....

I love the drive to work everyday... it takes about 25 minutes to get here.... but I absolutely love it. It is still so strange to me to drive down the road and see mountains all around you. I cannot tell you how beautiful it is.. It's that feeling again of being small and insignificant, but in a good way... Like there is so much out there waiting to be seen.... And then there is me....Trying to see all I possibly can.....


I wanted to put some pictures on here of Amelia's last week before Germany, but I am not on my own computer, so I cannot get to those pictures right now, but as soon as I can I promise I will post some! We are going to Borrego this weekend- it is in the desert. Uncle Bernie's family has a house there that is on a golf course and it has a pool and all so that should be fun. Just me, Bernie, Holly, Mimi, her daughter Christy and our freind Donna. So I am going to try to get some cool shots there and play around with them, so I will post those too. Who knows though, I may be busy with homework the whole time!

My heart is healing.... Slowly but surely. I am making so many friends and have been so busy with school and work that I haven't had time to stop and think... But I make myself think... on the way to and from work everyday... It is the best time for it. God is taking care of everything. Things here and things at home. I pray everyday for His wisdom and guidance. So far He has been faithful.... =)

I will be home in October to see baby Noah and to celebrate my grandmother's 80th birthday. I will only be home for a weekend, so hopefully when I come home over Christmas and I have more time, we can all get together! I love all of you very much and am forever in debt to you for your prayers and support. You hold a special place in my heart.....