Can you believe it? Yeah. neither can I. Subconsciously, my mind has shut down. People say "Oh what are your halloween plans? What kind of parties are you going to?" And I am like... ohhh I don't think I am doing anything... I'll just hand out candy to the cute little trick or treaters when they come to my house... I never made plans. I just didn't want to. And it wasn't until yesterday that I figured out why I didn't want to. I have so many things that I am thinking about right... so many thoughts I want to get out of my head..... WHY? Is there any better question to ask other than why?
As always, the only way I feel you will understand how I feel is through music...
You see love is a drink that goes straight to my head
And time is a lover and I'm caught in her stare
And the sentiment there follows me straight to my bed through the night
I've got my life in a suitcase,
I'm ready to run, run, run away..
I've got no time, 'cause I'm always trying to run, run, run away
'Cause everyday in here feels like it's only a game.
I've got my life in a suitcase, a suitcase, a suitcase...
-THe Day I Lost My Voice (The Suitcase Song)
It is the one year anniversary of this song. Love it so much.
The sun burns a hole straight through your old flaws
If you look toward the sky even on your greyest night
Could you be happy now, with the wind in your hair
And your eyes open wide and your feet going nowhere?
Could you be happy to fall like a stone
If you'd land right here safe in my arms?
It's fine, lock all your doors through the night
Keep it all right here, safe in my arms
It's fine
-On The Safest Ledge
I am a mix of emotions right now. Sad, happy, excited, scared, confused, indifferent, amazed, anxious, needy, independant... most of all contradicted.
If you have a chance, get the Copeland album "You Are My Sunshine".
Music is always enough for me. No matter what day it is.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Grab your bag and grab your coat, tell the ones that need to know, that we are headed north...
Hello everyone! I know it's been a hot minute since I have updated... but I have pictures! As always, school and work keep me busy and exhausted! Holly, Bernie, Mimi and I went to Oxnard for our cousins wedding a couple weekends ago... such a fun time =) Aunt Holly has been training for her marathon in Chicago and it was this last weekend! She's a super stud mom running marathons at 53! Haha... so anyways... Mimi is going to visit her girls in Mississippi soon and I will be staying with Christy while she is gone.. so that should be a fun time.
FOR MOM =)
FOR MOM =)
Uncle Bernie and I... not sure what to do.
Bernie, Holly, me and Mimi at the reception
Holly, Cousin Rhonda, me, Cousin Dottie and Mimi
With the beautiful bride Holly =)
Goofin off
Here is my desk at work... Obviously a busy day..
This last weekend, Orange County put on the Bay to Bay Bike MS 2009. It is a bike ride starting in Irvine, CA and going to Carlsbad one day, then going from Carlsbad to Mission Beach, CA (Which is in San Diego) the next day. The bikers are from all sorts of places and are sponsored from all different places... Some were from Disney, some were from Land Rover, and some were sponsored by Cox Cable. There were probably over 100 teams in all. Anyways, they needed tons of volunteers to pull this thing off (they have been doing it for years and years now) so I went down and lent a helping hand....
Some of the bikers about to take off.
The Disney bikers!!
Of course I was put in the team photo booth.. lol
This guy dyed his dog purple and gave him a mohawk... haha
Brittney and Sophie, the other 2 girls that worked with me.
These pictures are from Saturday morning when the bikers left... I had to be in Irvine (about 25 minutes north of my home) at a beautiful 5:30 a.m.... so that was interesting... and then I went from there to San Clemente (which is about 15 minutes South of my home) to serve the riders lunch. It was a pretty fun day altogether. On Sunday, I worked the rider return in Irvine.. basically unloading all the bikes off of the trucks and giving them to the riders when they got there. It was a lot of fun and I met a lot of interesting people! It actually made me consider doing the bike ride next year! (You don't have to do all 100 miles if you don't want to! haha)
So anyways.. that is what is going on right now. Hope you like the pictures. I'll try to do better on keeping you guys updated =)
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
My Second Confession
These thoughts I have are thoughts of someone settled. "Where will I be at my work in a year?" "What are my plans for some holiday that is months away?" "What classes will I be taking next semester at my school?"
So strange. Settling. Yesterday while I was picking up my lunch, I realized that I didn't know my way around this city at all. Not strange. Strange, however, when you know another city like the back of your hand. Holli still calls me for directions around Mobile. I never thought that starting over somewhere new would be so scary. "I'll make friends.... I'll find a job...." yesterday I realized that I was more scared than I thought. Which is great that I realized that just now and not when I moved... or else I wouldn't have moved.
When I left Mobile, I was 50/50 about moving. Most people said it was a great idea, that getting out of this town was what I needed. But there were a few that believed I was running away. So which is it? You can choose to believe whichever you like, but in my mind, if I was running away, then I'm okay with that. But, it's not like it hurt any less. Sure, I don't have to be around my memories all day, but that doesn't mean my mind was erased of them.
"Memories, like bullets, they fire at me from a gun."
In fact, these memories give me a reason to move forward.
The truth is, had I stayed in Mobile, I would have died. Emotionally, I would have just been dead. I would have been looking for the same thing i was always looking for all the while expecting the different results. It doesn't work that way. Like sticking a square peg in a round whole. It always results the same: IT WON'T FIT.
I'm a square peg and Mobile is my round hole. At least for now.
My feet are freezing as I right this and I am hoping that my toes don't fall off. Life without toes would be awkward.
And so here is my second confession:
I am more scared about the future than I care to admit.
There is that F word again. I'm not scared of the future by any means. I'm scared that i'll make some sort of mistake that will out me right back where I am now.
"you gotta swim
swim for your life
swim for the music that saves you
when you're not so sure you'll survive.
you gotta swim
swim when it hurts
the whole world is watching
you haven't come this far to fall off the earth."
-Jack's Mannequin
"And in the free fall I, will realize, that I'm better off when I hit the bottom."
-Paramore
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
My First Confession
I wonder how logical and realistic people deal with heartbreak. I'm so emotional and so influenced by gut feeling that I have never known what it's like to be logical and realistic. Do they just chock it up to life experience and keep on moving? What do they do? I imagine those people being the complete opposite of me. Which means closed off, careful with who they trust, thinks everything through before making a decision, quiet, reserved.... Basically everything I am not.
Why the hell does it still hurt so bad? It's been 3 months and I have formed an entirely new life for myself. Why does it still hurt? I am so happy and so new to all things California, but sometimes Alabama just sneaks back in. Just for the hell of it. Just to remind me that it's still a nasty little thorn sticking in my side that probably wont ever leave me alone.
I share with you my life, my feelings, my thoughts... But do you really know what is going on? Probably not... Because I don't even know what's really going on. I've got 3 people in my life right now that know how I feel without me having to even say it. Had a heart to heart with Holli Denham last night and I have to say... I would die without that girl. Would absolutely die. I am convinced she and I are the same person. Always will be.
Kayla's life is changing fast.. I am trying to keep up. That girl has a big chunk of my heart. As does Holli.
I've got somewhat of a new addition in my life. I'm learning that he is one of the strongest people I know. I'm learning that heartbreak comes in many shapes and sizes. And I learned the other night that he knew how I was feeling even before I knew how I was feeling. He is in my life for a reason.. I'm just waiting to see what that reason is.
***These are the hands of a girl who feels something unnamed waiting inside to get out, something bigger than she can hold. A girl who keeps hearing in her head that she might be asked to do something great in the world someday. A girl who has a deep desire to use her hands to help other people, but can't see how that would ever happen.***
I can't seem to describe myself in any other way. I just want to HELP. I just want to LOVE. I just want to be there for someone like so many people have been there for me. Most of all, I just want to CHANGE THE WORLD.
The worst thing you could ever break in your body is your heart.
.....So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change the situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservationalism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure.....
-Christopher Johnson McCandles "Into The Wild"
I hope you read this while listening to a life changing song so it will inspire you to do something that changes the world.
Monday, September 28, 2009
But San Francisco still sounds lovely
You say life is a dream where we can't say what we mean
Maybe just some roadside scene that we're driving past
There's no telling where we'll be in a day or in a week
And there's no promises of peace or of happiness
Well is this why you cling to every little thing
And pulverize and derange all your senses
Maybe life is a song but you're scared to sing along
Until the very ending
Oh, it's time to let go of everything we used to know
Ideas that strengthen who we've been
It's time to cut ties that won't ever free our minds
From the chains and shackles that they're in
Oh, tell me what good is saying that you're free
In a dark and storming sea
You're chained to your history, you're surely sinking fast
You say that you know that the good Lord's in control
He's gonna bless and keep your tired and oh so restless soul
But at the end of the day when every price has been paid
You're gonna rise and sit beside him on some old seat of gold
And won't you tell me why you live like you're afraid to die
You'll die like you're afraid to go
Oh, it's time to let go of everything we used to know
Ideas that strengthen who we've been
It's time to cut ties that won't ever free our minds
From chains and shackles that they're in
From the chains and shackles that they're in
Well life is a dream 'cause we're all walking in our sleep
You could see us stand in lines like we're dead upon our feet
And we build our house of cards and then we wait for it to fall
Always forget how strange it is just to be alive at all
-Patrick Park
We are nowhere and it's now
And like a ten minute dream in the passenger seat
While the world was flying by
I havent been gone very long
But it feels like a lifetime.
-Bright Eyes
Come on skinny love just last the year.
-Bon Iver
In this great future, you can't forget your past, so dry your tears I say.
Emancipate yourself from mental slavery.
Open up your eyes and look within, are you satisfied with the life your livin'?
-Bob Marley
Well the time it takes to know someone
It all can change before you know it's gone
So close your eyes and feel the way I am with you now
Believe there's nothing wrong.
You think that I want to run and hide
I keep it all locked up inside, but I just want you to find me
I'm not running, I'm not hiding,
If you dig a little deeper, you will find me.
-James Morrison
Baby close your eyes
Don't open till the morning light
Baby don't forget
We haven't lost it all yet
-The Fray
Happiness is a firecracker sitting on my headboard
Happiness was never mine to hold
Careful child, light the fuse and get away
Cause happiness throws a shower of sparks
Happiness damn near destroys you
Breaks your faith to pieces on the floor
So you tell yourself, that's enough for now
Happiness has a violent roar
Happiness is like the old man told me
Look for it, but you'll never find it all
Let it go, live your life and leave it
Then one day, wake up and she'll be home
-The Fray
Isn't very difficult to see why
you are the way you are.
Doesn't take a genius
to realise that sometimes life is hard.
It's gonna take time
but you'll just have to wait.
You're gonna be fine
but in the meantime.
I'm over here, lady
Let me wipe your tears away.
Come a little nearer, baby
'cause you'll heal over,
heal over,
heal over someday.
I don't wanna hear you tell yourself
that these feeling are in the past.
No, it doesn't mean they're off the shelf
because pain is built to last.
Everybody sails alone
oh, but we can travel side by side.
Even if you fail,
you know that no one really minds.
I'm over here, lady
Let me wipe your tears away.
Come a little nearer, baby
'cause you'll heal over,
heal over,
heal over someday.
Don't hold on,
but don't let go,
I know it's so hard.
you've got to try to
trust yourself.
I know it's so hard.
so hard, yeah.
I'm over here, lady
Let me wipe your tears away.
Come a little nearer, baby
'cause you'll heal over,
heal over,
heal over someday.
yeah you're gonna heal over.
-KT Tunstall
Maybe just some roadside scene that we're driving past
There's no telling where we'll be in a day or in a week
And there's no promises of peace or of happiness
Well is this why you cling to every little thing
And pulverize and derange all your senses
Maybe life is a song but you're scared to sing along
Until the very ending
Oh, it's time to let go of everything we used to know
Ideas that strengthen who we've been
It's time to cut ties that won't ever free our minds
From the chains and shackles that they're in
Oh, tell me what good is saying that you're free
In a dark and storming sea
You're chained to your history, you're surely sinking fast
You say that you know that the good Lord's in control
He's gonna bless and keep your tired and oh so restless soul
But at the end of the day when every price has been paid
You're gonna rise and sit beside him on some old seat of gold
And won't you tell me why you live like you're afraid to die
You'll die like you're afraid to go
Oh, it's time to let go of everything we used to know
Ideas that strengthen who we've been
It's time to cut ties that won't ever free our minds
From chains and shackles that they're in
From the chains and shackles that they're in
Well life is a dream 'cause we're all walking in our sleep
You could see us stand in lines like we're dead upon our feet
And we build our house of cards and then we wait for it to fall
Always forget how strange it is just to be alive at all
-Patrick Park
We are nowhere and it's now
And like a ten minute dream in the passenger seat
While the world was flying by
I havent been gone very long
But it feels like a lifetime.
-Bright Eyes
Come on skinny love just last the year.
-Bon Iver
In this great future, you can't forget your past, so dry your tears I say.
Emancipate yourself from mental slavery.
Open up your eyes and look within, are you satisfied with the life your livin'?
-Bob Marley
Well the time it takes to know someone
It all can change before you know it's gone
So close your eyes and feel the way I am with you now
Believe there's nothing wrong.
You think that I want to run and hide
I keep it all locked up inside, but I just want you to find me
I'm not running, I'm not hiding,
If you dig a little deeper, you will find me.
-James Morrison
Baby close your eyes
Don't open till the morning light
Baby don't forget
We haven't lost it all yet
-The Fray
Happiness is a firecracker sitting on my headboard
Happiness was never mine to hold
Careful child, light the fuse and get away
Cause happiness throws a shower of sparks
Happiness damn near destroys you
Breaks your faith to pieces on the floor
So you tell yourself, that's enough for now
Happiness has a violent roar
Happiness is like the old man told me
Look for it, but you'll never find it all
Let it go, live your life and leave it
Then one day, wake up and she'll be home
-The Fray
Isn't very difficult to see why
you are the way you are.
Doesn't take a genius
to realise that sometimes life is hard.
It's gonna take time
but you'll just have to wait.
You're gonna be fine
but in the meantime.
I'm over here, lady
Let me wipe your tears away.
Come a little nearer, baby
'cause you'll heal over,
heal over,
heal over someday.
I don't wanna hear you tell yourself
that these feeling are in the past.
No, it doesn't mean they're off the shelf
because pain is built to last.
Everybody sails alone
oh, but we can travel side by side.
Even if you fail,
you know that no one really minds.
I'm over here, lady
Let me wipe your tears away.
Come a little nearer, baby
'cause you'll heal over,
heal over,
heal over someday.
Don't hold on,
but don't let go,
I know it's so hard.
you've got to try to
trust yourself.
I know it's so hard.
so hard, yeah.
I'm over here, lady
Let me wipe your tears away.
Come a little nearer, baby
'cause you'll heal over,
heal over,
heal over someday.
yeah you're gonna heal over.
-KT Tunstall
Friday, September 18, 2009
You've got me laughing while I sing, You've got me smiling in my sleep.
So I know you guys have been wanting to see some pictures of what is going on....
My brother Chris, his 3 year-old Kayden and brand new baby Noah Cooper McLean!
6 lbs. 13 oz. 11:22 A.M.
The beautiful family =)
My cousin Christy and I at a birthday lunch for our cousin.
Borrego Springs! My family has a house in the desert, so we went there for Labor Day weekend. A MUCH needed vacation =)
Me, Drew and Amelia on her last night here at the piano bar.
L-R: Dallas, Amelia, Jared, Me and Miles. Cousins =)
So typical.
Mils and I went to the fair and ate everything they had that was fried. Such an epic night.
My brother Chris, his 3 year-old Kayden and brand new baby Noah Cooper McLean!
6 lbs. 13 oz. 11:22 A.M.
The beautiful family =)
My cousin Christy and I at a birthday lunch for our cousin.
Borrego Springs! My family has a house in the desert, so we went there for Labor Day weekend. A MUCH needed vacation =)
Me, Drew and Amelia on her last night here at the piano bar.
L-R: Dallas, Amelia, Jared, Me and Miles. Cousins =)
Cousins again. This was in San Diego at Miles' house.
So typical.
Mils and I went to the fair and ate everything they had that was fried. Such an epic night.
Thats just a little overview of the last couple of months... Amelia has been in Germany for almost a month now, but she is coming home this weekend for a wedding she is in... so needless to say, I am STOOOOOOOOKED to see her! Work and school are both going great. They both exhaust me so much during the week, so the weekend is always welcoming!
I had a date last weekend! I won't get all mushy on you, but his name is Sean... We had a great time... We went to Improv in this cute little town called Brea.... and we are planning on going to the L.A. fair next weekend (He understands I will be MIA all weekend because of Amelia- not even an option ;) )
Anyways... Life is hopping along.. Aunt Holly is getting ready for her marathon in October. Sadly though, it's in Chicago, so I won't get to see it, but I know she will do great!
I was very sad that I couldn't be in Alabama for the birth of my sweet angel Noah... isn't he adorable? I mean for a baby anyway... You gotta give him a couple days. The first day is always rough cause they are all sticky and gooey lookin... But he is a GOOOOOOOOD LOOKIN baby =) I know my family missed me not being there and I missed my little nugget angel Kayden, but from what I hear she has been the best big sister ever!
That is about all I have to say for now... If you are wanting a good listen... Try Conor Oberst or Benjamin Gibbard. They will make your heart happy. Other than that, prayer works too =)
LOVELOVELOVE <3
-C
-C
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Just because everything's changing, doesn't mean it's never been this way before.
I've got my memories
Always inside of me
But I can't go back
Back to how it was
I believe now
I've come too far
No I can't go back
Back to how it was
Created for a place I've never known
This is home
Now I'm finally Where I belong
Where I belong
Yeah, this is home
I've been searching For a place of my own
Now I've found it
Maybe this is home
Yeah, this is home
Belief over misery
I've seen the enemy
And I won't go back
Back to how it was
And I got my heart Set on What happens next
I got my eyes wide It's not over yet
We are miracles
And we're not alone
Yeah
And now after all My searching
After all my questions
I'm gonna call it home
I got a brand new mindset
I can finally see The sunset
I'm gonna call it home
Home
I've come too far
And I won't go back
Yeah, this is home
This is the Switchfoot song I was talking about a few posts ago.... It is from the Prince Caspian soundtrack. It's my state of mind right now. You guys know that I am happy with where I am and with the decision I have made over the last couple of months.... Sometimes I hate capitalizing things because i normally never do and I just want to be real cause you guys know the real me. so maybe there will be no more capitalizing on this post.
the whole time i have been out here, i havent really wanted to visit home other than to see my family... but i knew they would always be there, so i knew i didnt need to worry about that. talking to my freind kayla last night and for the first time in a month and a half, i genuinly missed mobile. not mobile like i left it, but the old mobile. the cold mobile where i would spend my nights at the 473 wrapped in blankets and just staring at the bonfire. the loud mobile where i would go to shows with kayla and we would dance all night with our friends.... the mobile that loved the christmas decorations that kayla and i put all over the 473. the fun dance parties we went to... the shows at the saenger theatre, greekfest, the artwalk, the lake that holli and i would sit at for hours and figure out our lives at, the trips to the beach in the winter, the many different starbucks where i learned so many life lessons and made so many friends, going to bellingrath gardens with a group of friends and fooling around the whole time....
i wish i could go on and on... the point is.. things have changed. things are different now. friends moved away and new friends came into play, babies were born and some older people have passed.... but its still my life. this is still me. all of these very different things are all happening to me... just one person. its so crazy how one person can go through so many things in life. and i dont mean only bad things.. great things too. and the thing is, we were made to be able to experience these things.... we were made to be strong at times and weak at other times. its the way our body works. no one can deal with it all. i thought maybe i could handle it... the ups and downs... the joys and sorrows... the breaking of hearts and the mending back together. bottom line.. i cant. and im so glad i have help with that.
life throws these massive curveballs at you sometimes, and you learn to live with them. most of you know me personally, and no i am not talking about my own life experiences as of late.... maybe i am. but more so about something else. the strongest people i know are the ones who have said "no i am not going to let this tear me down... im not going to let one little upset in life ruin who i am." those are strongest people i know. and i try so hard everyday to learn from these people. i want to be just like that. strong and independant and confident in who i am. i am almost there i think. i have learned a lot here recently.
thank God for life experiences. where would i be without them?
"Well I looked my demons in the eye, laid bare my chest and said 'do your best to destroy me'. See I've been to hell and back so many times, I must admit you kinda bore me"
-Ray LaMontagne
I still take my coffee with a little cold soy and 2 raw sugars.
Always inside of me
But I can't go back
Back to how it was
I believe now
I've come too far
No I can't go back
Back to how it was
Created for a place I've never known
This is home
Now I'm finally Where I belong
Where I belong
Yeah, this is home
I've been searching For a place of my own
Now I've found it
Maybe this is home
Yeah, this is home
Belief over misery
I've seen the enemy
And I won't go back
Back to how it was
And I got my heart Set on What happens next
I got my eyes wide It's not over yet
We are miracles
And we're not alone
Yeah
And now after all My searching
After all my questions
I'm gonna call it home
I got a brand new mindset
I can finally see The sunset
I'm gonna call it home
Home
I've come too far
And I won't go back
Yeah, this is home
This is the Switchfoot song I was talking about a few posts ago.... It is from the Prince Caspian soundtrack. It's my state of mind right now. You guys know that I am happy with where I am and with the decision I have made over the last couple of months.... Sometimes I hate capitalizing things because i normally never do and I just want to be real cause you guys know the real me. so maybe there will be no more capitalizing on this post.
the whole time i have been out here, i havent really wanted to visit home other than to see my family... but i knew they would always be there, so i knew i didnt need to worry about that. talking to my freind kayla last night and for the first time in a month and a half, i genuinly missed mobile. not mobile like i left it, but the old mobile. the cold mobile where i would spend my nights at the 473 wrapped in blankets and just staring at the bonfire. the loud mobile where i would go to shows with kayla and we would dance all night with our friends.... the mobile that loved the christmas decorations that kayla and i put all over the 473. the fun dance parties we went to... the shows at the saenger theatre, greekfest, the artwalk, the lake that holli and i would sit at for hours and figure out our lives at, the trips to the beach in the winter, the many different starbucks where i learned so many life lessons and made so many friends, going to bellingrath gardens with a group of friends and fooling around the whole time....
i wish i could go on and on... the point is.. things have changed. things are different now. friends moved away and new friends came into play, babies were born and some older people have passed.... but its still my life. this is still me. all of these very different things are all happening to me... just one person. its so crazy how one person can go through so many things in life. and i dont mean only bad things.. great things too. and the thing is, we were made to be able to experience these things.... we were made to be strong at times and weak at other times. its the way our body works. no one can deal with it all. i thought maybe i could handle it... the ups and downs... the joys and sorrows... the breaking of hearts and the mending back together. bottom line.. i cant. and im so glad i have help with that.
life throws these massive curveballs at you sometimes, and you learn to live with them. most of you know me personally, and no i am not talking about my own life experiences as of late.... maybe i am. but more so about something else. the strongest people i know are the ones who have said "no i am not going to let this tear me down... im not going to let one little upset in life ruin who i am." those are strongest people i know. and i try so hard everyday to learn from these people. i want to be just like that. strong and independant and confident in who i am. i am almost there i think. i have learned a lot here recently.
thank God for life experiences. where would i be without them?
"Well I looked my demons in the eye, laid bare my chest and said 'do your best to destroy me'. See I've been to hell and back so many times, I must admit you kinda bore me"
-Ray LaMontagne
I still take my coffee with a little cold soy and 2 raw sugars.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)