So I had this whole blog typed up of this really deep and pondering thought that I just felt I had to get out of my system, but I didn't like the way it sounded, or the way it was written. Or the attitude I had when I wrote it. So I deleted it.
I'm going to Illinois in a couple weeks and I can't wait! A little vacation of sorts (even tho I might freeze my butt off). It will be so wonderful to spend time with old friends. What is life if you don't have friends? Nothing, really.
My best friend from childhood is pregnant with twins! She's due in May and I wish so badly that I could be there with her. It's funny to think of the things that you have never done before making a huge change in your life. I've never been apart from my parents for more than 2 months. I've never been apart from Kayla or Holli for more 4 or 5 months. I have not been away from Kayden at all. I've never had to worry about not having someone's house to drive to when I was upset. I've never not known my way around the city in which I live. And I have never been more confused about my future, yet so comfortable with where I am at the same time.
Since moving to California in July 2009, I went 6 months without seeing my parents one time. I haven't seen Kayla since she moved to Birmingham in the beginning of 2009, I havent seen Holli since she picked me up off the ground and told me that everything was going to be okay and that if someone is going to hurt you this bad, you don't need them in your life anyway. I talk to Kayden on the phone at least 3 times a week, and spent everyday with her and Lil' Man when I was home for Christmas. Now when I am upset, I have to call Kayla or Holli and make sure they arent at work or in school and because of the 2 hour time difference, I usually don't get my time to talk to them. Mapquest has become my new best friend and I am breaking my punctuality rule everytime I leave to go somewhere.
Life has changed a lot over the last 7 months. My heart, however, has changed even more.
I guess I had to realize not to put too much faith in one person. Not to treat one person like they are Jesus, and if I could only have them, my troubles would be over.
People are going to disappoint you, no matter what. And that is not a pessimistic view on life, that's just a fact. (And if you know me at all, you know I'm not one for facts, but rather opinions, so take that one and hold on to it).
Here is another small fact for you:
You will get nowhere in life if you don't LOVE.
You could have the nice house and the fancy car with the 3 beautiful children and you can belong to a tennis club and go to all the big name parties and sit in church every Sunday and give money to help the poor and the needy and the orphans, but still be so empty inside.
When you hold people to a certain standard, when you expect them to be something that are just not, when you expect people to do things for you out of love, when you yourself do not even show love... you will never get what you want. You will be disappointed every time.
When you show love to other people, no matter how deserving of it they are, you will get love back. You won't need any expectiations of pople. Because when you love, you understand that sometimes people return the favor a hundred times over. And other times when you love, yu learn that people can be just plain rude and not say thank you or think a second thought about returning the favor. But you shouldn't show love just to get something back anyways. You should show love because it's what you are supposed to do, like I said, whether people deserve it or not.
The reason I feel so strongly about this is because I have been on both ends. I have given love unconditionally, only to be hated in return. I have seen people give love unconditionally and I have shown no love in return. I've seen, and felt, how much it hurts when you love with all of your heart, only to have it ripped in half and left there to bleed. I say this because love is the most sensitive emotion known to mankind. Love can make or break your heart, your entire world, in one motion. Love can alter the direction of your life in one second, it can make you do things you never thought possible. Love can give you feelings that you never knew existed.
Well, I must say, this blog took a totally different direction that I thought it would, but that's what happens when your emotions take over. There is no use in trying to calm them and ignore them because it just wont work. You just have to go with the flow and hope that in some way, your words make sense to at least one person besides yourself. So that's what I try to do. I hope you enjoy reading as much as I enjoy writing.
LOVELOVELOVE
-C
Don't ever stop writing. I admire you so much.
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