There is no end to what I'm saying

It takes a night to make it dawn
and it takes a day to make you yawn brother
it takes some old to make you young
it takes some cold to know the sun
it takes the one to have the other

And it takes no time to fall in love
but it takes you years to know what love is
and it takes some fears to make you trust
it takes those tears to make it rust
it takes the dust to have it polished

ha la la la la la la life is wonderful
ah la la la la la la life goes full circle
ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
ah la la la it is so

-Jason Mraz

Currently listening to Jason Mraz, wishing he could be the background music to my life. THat guy has a song for everything! Even for his cat...

I took a trip to Illinois last weekend to visit an old friend. Interesting story there, which I believe I mentioned in an earlier blog.

I'm not always sure what to expect in situations like these. And in 'situations like these', I mean reconnecting with a friend after 6 years of not seeing each other... Remembering the childhood crush you had when you first became friends... Knowing that they have become one of your best friends in the last 5 months that you have reconnected...

So I guess it's not that I wasn't sure what to expect in this situation, it's more like 'I have never experienced something this wild ever in my life and could this really be happening right now and if it is, what am I supposed to do... what am I supposed to feel, how am I supposed to act??

I tend to get a little dramatic in the most simplest times. But I just wanted everything to be perfect.

Needless to say, my trip to Illinois was more than I ever thought it would be. Not only did I get to spend time with an old friend, but I made new ones and I had the most wonderful adventures.

Moving on is a beautiful thing. It never happens all at once. When you think it's good and done, something sneaks right back in, and gives that knife another little twist. I'm not claiming to have entirely moved on from the situations that have taken place in my life, but through several different events... well, let's just say my heart is mending faster than I anticipated it would.

I think my favorite line in the aforementioned song is "Life goes full circle"

An odd one to pick as a favorite, I understand, but let me break it down.

9 months ago my world fell apart... I fell apart. I didn't want to move on. I didn't want an attempt at happiness. I wanted to sulk in my sorrows for the rest of my life. I wanted things to be dark and sullen and I didn't want anyone to cheer me up. I thought that my life had ended. Afterall, where do you go when you have a broken heart? What do you do with yourself then? If you aren't going to put youre whole heart into what you are doing and where you are going, then why do it at all? When you're heart gets broken and you don't feel like you have even one-sixteenth of a heart, then life seems to be over.

So I did the only thing I knew to do. I relied on the support of my family and a few close friends. I listened to words of wisdom, similar heartbreak stories, and anything at all that was supposed to make my heart come back. When that didn't work like I wanted it to, I moved 2000 miles away. My family and friends remained supportive, just from a distance. Since that time 9 months ago when I moved out here, I have realized that it was the best thing I could have done... the only thing I could have done.

Things in your life happen for a reason. It's not because of fate, or the stars being lined up right, or any of that. Every single moment in your life happens because of where you are, who you are and what you're doing.

I got a message back in October from a guy that I had met in Europe 5 years before, just checking in, seeing how things were going. A few messages later, he informed me of a trip he was making to California with some friends. Coincidentally, he was coming right where I lived. He was excited to find out that I lived here now and I was excited that we would be able to reconnect after such a long time.

It's funny to think that you could spend 2 weeks with someone in a foriegn country, become great friends, keep in touch for a year or so, then 5 years later, pick up exactly where you left off in a place where neither of you are even from. That's a pretty wild thing to me.

And so the story goes, we kept in touch this time, and that brings us back to my trip to Illinois last week. I left for IL on the March 13, which is also the day that I was supposed to get married. Crazy, huh? It was a tough day for me. My cousin drove me to the airport, and though she didn't want to ask, she had to know how I was doing. "Fine." But I didn't give her much else. I didn't say much to anyone, in fact. It wasn' somethign I wanted to talk about. I just wanted to make it through the day without crying.

I was so excited about seeing Donnie... Through many, many phone conversations, it felt like I had gained a new best friend. It's not something I can easily put into words. My plane was delayed a couple hours, so there was more of just sitting and waiting in an airport that was the size of my living room with as many people as could fit on 8 planes combined.

I finally landed in Chicago and instantly felt better because I knew this would be a whole new adventure. Donnie picked me up from the airport, and we drove the 2 hours through rain and flat lands and a barely visible highway. It was cold and windy, but at that moment, I couldn't have been happier about the direction my life was going. Here I was on this new adventure of sorts that I somehow provided for myself, having the time of my life with someone that means so much to me.

The weekend flew by entirely too fast. I got to see his band play at a club in Champagne, got to meet his big Italian family, and most of all, got to relax and not have to worry about a thing. It truly was a vacation. We stayed up way too late and slept in way too late, but I guess that's just what you need sometimes.

So back to the song.... "Life goes full circle"

I flew back to California feeling sad that I couldn't stay on vacation forever. But I got home with this feeling of completion, of sorts. I felt, in some weird way, that my heart had come full circle. It has not, by any means, forgotten what happened. Forgiveness is still something I am working on. It gets easier each day. But my heart, for the first time in such a long time, it feels safe again. And that is something that I couldn't describe to you in words if my life depended on it. Having a whole heart is shown more through your actions, I think. It is true that actions speak louder that words and in the same way, I think it is true that your actions show the feelings of your heart better than your words ever could.

This story may all sound a bit mushy to you, but it's the truth. I don't feel like hiding my insane feelings anymore. If I am bursting with love, I want someone to know it.

I guess the moral of all of this, is to be who you are, no matter what. You never ever ever know how your life, your words and your actions are touching someones heart. Don't let a day go by without telling someone you love them, because they just might forget.

And if it feels like you're whole world is crumbling around you, just know that life really does go full circle.

LOVELOVELOVE
-C