There is no end to what I'm saying

It takes a night to make it dawn
and it takes a day to make you yawn brother
it takes some old to make you young
it takes some cold to know the sun
it takes the one to have the other

And it takes no time to fall in love
but it takes you years to know what love is
and it takes some fears to make you trust
it takes those tears to make it rust
it takes the dust to have it polished

ha la la la la la la life is wonderful
ah la la la la la la life goes full circle
ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
ah la la la it is so

-Jason Mraz

Currently listening to Jason Mraz, wishing he could be the background music to my life. THat guy has a song for everything! Even for his cat...

I took a trip to Illinois last weekend to visit an old friend. Interesting story there, which I believe I mentioned in an earlier blog.

I'm not always sure what to expect in situations like these. And in 'situations like these', I mean reconnecting with a friend after 6 years of not seeing each other... Remembering the childhood crush you had when you first became friends... Knowing that they have become one of your best friends in the last 5 months that you have reconnected...

So I guess it's not that I wasn't sure what to expect in this situation, it's more like 'I have never experienced something this wild ever in my life and could this really be happening right now and if it is, what am I supposed to do... what am I supposed to feel, how am I supposed to act??

I tend to get a little dramatic in the most simplest times. But I just wanted everything to be perfect.

Needless to say, my trip to Illinois was more than I ever thought it would be. Not only did I get to spend time with an old friend, but I made new ones and I had the most wonderful adventures.

Moving on is a beautiful thing. It never happens all at once. When you think it's good and done, something sneaks right back in, and gives that knife another little twist. I'm not claiming to have entirely moved on from the situations that have taken place in my life, but through several different events... well, let's just say my heart is mending faster than I anticipated it would.

I think my favorite line in the aforementioned song is "Life goes full circle"

An odd one to pick as a favorite, I understand, but let me break it down.

9 months ago my world fell apart... I fell apart. I didn't want to move on. I didn't want an attempt at happiness. I wanted to sulk in my sorrows for the rest of my life. I wanted things to be dark and sullen and I didn't want anyone to cheer me up. I thought that my life had ended. Afterall, where do you go when you have a broken heart? What do you do with yourself then? If you aren't going to put youre whole heart into what you are doing and where you are going, then why do it at all? When you're heart gets broken and you don't feel like you have even one-sixteenth of a heart, then life seems to be over.

So I did the only thing I knew to do. I relied on the support of my family and a few close friends. I listened to words of wisdom, similar heartbreak stories, and anything at all that was supposed to make my heart come back. When that didn't work like I wanted it to, I moved 2000 miles away. My family and friends remained supportive, just from a distance. Since that time 9 months ago when I moved out here, I have realized that it was the best thing I could have done... the only thing I could have done.

Things in your life happen for a reason. It's not because of fate, or the stars being lined up right, or any of that. Every single moment in your life happens because of where you are, who you are and what you're doing.

I got a message back in October from a guy that I had met in Europe 5 years before, just checking in, seeing how things were going. A few messages later, he informed me of a trip he was making to California with some friends. Coincidentally, he was coming right where I lived. He was excited to find out that I lived here now and I was excited that we would be able to reconnect after such a long time.

It's funny to think that you could spend 2 weeks with someone in a foriegn country, become great friends, keep in touch for a year or so, then 5 years later, pick up exactly where you left off in a place where neither of you are even from. That's a pretty wild thing to me.

And so the story goes, we kept in touch this time, and that brings us back to my trip to Illinois last week. I left for IL on the March 13, which is also the day that I was supposed to get married. Crazy, huh? It was a tough day for me. My cousin drove me to the airport, and though she didn't want to ask, she had to know how I was doing. "Fine." But I didn't give her much else. I didn't say much to anyone, in fact. It wasn' somethign I wanted to talk about. I just wanted to make it through the day without crying.

I was so excited about seeing Donnie... Through many, many phone conversations, it felt like I had gained a new best friend. It's not something I can easily put into words. My plane was delayed a couple hours, so there was more of just sitting and waiting in an airport that was the size of my living room with as many people as could fit on 8 planes combined.

I finally landed in Chicago and instantly felt better because I knew this would be a whole new adventure. Donnie picked me up from the airport, and we drove the 2 hours through rain and flat lands and a barely visible highway. It was cold and windy, but at that moment, I couldn't have been happier about the direction my life was going. Here I was on this new adventure of sorts that I somehow provided for myself, having the time of my life with someone that means so much to me.

The weekend flew by entirely too fast. I got to see his band play at a club in Champagne, got to meet his big Italian family, and most of all, got to relax and not have to worry about a thing. It truly was a vacation. We stayed up way too late and slept in way too late, but I guess that's just what you need sometimes.

So back to the song.... "Life goes full circle"

I flew back to California feeling sad that I couldn't stay on vacation forever. But I got home with this feeling of completion, of sorts. I felt, in some weird way, that my heart had come full circle. It has not, by any means, forgotten what happened. Forgiveness is still something I am working on. It gets easier each day. But my heart, for the first time in such a long time, it feels safe again. And that is something that I couldn't describe to you in words if my life depended on it. Having a whole heart is shown more through your actions, I think. It is true that actions speak louder that words and in the same way, I think it is true that your actions show the feelings of your heart better than your words ever could.

This story may all sound a bit mushy to you, but it's the truth. I don't feel like hiding my insane feelings anymore. If I am bursting with love, I want someone to know it.

I guess the moral of all of this, is to be who you are, no matter what. You never ever ever know how your life, your words and your actions are touching someones heart. Don't let a day go by without telling someone you love them, because they just might forget.

And if it feels like you're whole world is crumbling around you, just know that life really does go full circle.

LOVELOVELOVE
-C

I've got this itch and it's driving me crazy.

I need to do something. I need to help someone. I need to make some sort of difference. I need someone to NEED me.

This morning on the way to work, I saw a guy broke down on the side of the road. I was in the left lane and he was pulled over on the right side of the road. I felt so bad for him, just looking under his hood as all these cars drove by. I was so upset that I could not stop. I mean, I have jumper cables and everything... I could have gotten him water or gas for his car... I contemplated getting off the Toll Road and turning around, but for some unknown reason, I did not. I am a little upset with myself that I did not help him. California is not like Alabama when it comes to helping people. You don't come across guardian angels as much out here.

I said a little prayer that God would send someone his way. I hope He did. I know it sounds petty to be upset about something like this, but it hurt my heart. I hate to see people hurting or in trouble. Even if it is not a huge deal, I want to do all I can to make sure they get what they need.

It sounds like a nice quality to have, but here lately it has been a little overwhelming. With the earthquake in Haiti, I was begging God for a way to get me out there. Everyday I try and find something I can do. I don't feel like a complete person if I have not helped someone do something in one day. Like I said, a bit overwhelming at times.

Lately I have had these daydreams about ways that I can get the word out about certain organizations that strive to help those in need. With how far technology has come in the last few years, it's almost impossible not to be heard by someone. There are people all over the place promoting causes that better the world such as TWLOHA and Invisible Children and TOMSshoes. But there is always more to do. There is always more people to reach, more ways to get involved, and more people that need you.

I can't express how mucht his means to me. If I could adopt every child that needed a place to live, or shelter from the pain, I would take them all in in a heartbeat. But I can't do it by myself. So please, spread the word... Tell everyone you know that the world needs our help...

If you want to get involved, here a a few other sites that can point you in the right direction:
(you can just click on any of these, as well as the 3 mentioned above)

LOVE146

St. Jude Childrens Hospital

World Vision

Juvenile Diabetes

National Alliance to end Homelessness

American Red Cross

CARE

The Mona Foundation

Samaritan's Purse

Thanks for caring as much as I do. Love you guys.

LOVELOVELOVE
-C

Everything will be fine, Everything in no time at all, Hearts will hold.

So I had this whole blog typed up of this really deep and pondering thought that I just felt I had to get out of my system, but I didn't like the way it sounded, or the way it was written. Or the attitude I had when I wrote it. So I deleted it.

I'm going to Illinois in a couple weeks and I can't wait! A little vacation of sorts (even tho I might freeze my butt off). It will be so wonderful to spend time with old friends. What is life if you don't have friends? Nothing, really.

My best friend from childhood is pregnant with twins! She's due in May and I wish so badly that I could be there with her. It's funny to think of the things that you have never done before making a huge change in your life. I've never been apart from my parents for more than 2 months. I've never been apart from Kayla or Holli for more 4 or 5 months. I have not been away from Kayden at all. I've never had to worry about not having someone's house to drive to when I was upset. I've never not known my way around the city in which I live. And I have never been more confused about my future, yet so comfortable with where I am at the same time.

Since moving to California in July 2009, I went 6 months without seeing my parents one time. I haven't seen Kayla since she moved to Birmingham in the beginning of 2009, I havent seen Holli since she picked me up off the ground and told me that everything was going to be okay and that if someone is going to hurt you this bad, you don't need them in your life anyway. I talk to Kayden on the phone at least 3 times a week, and spent everyday with her and Lil' Man when I was home for Christmas. Now when I am upset, I have to call Kayla or Holli and make sure they arent at work or in school and because of the 2 hour time difference, I usually don't get my time to talk to them. Mapquest has become my new best friend and I am breaking my punctuality rule everytime I leave to go somewhere.

Life has changed a lot over the last 7 months. My heart, however, has changed even more.

I guess I had to realize not to put too much faith in one person. Not to treat one person like they are Jesus, and if I could only have them, my troubles would be over.

People are going to disappoint you, no matter what. And that is not a pessimistic view on life, that's just a fact. (And if you know me at all, you know I'm not one for facts, but rather opinions, so take that one and hold on to it).

Here is another small fact for you:
You will get nowhere in life if you don't LOVE.

You could have the nice house and the fancy car with the 3 beautiful children and you can belong to a tennis club and go to all the big name parties and sit in church every Sunday and give money to help the poor and the needy and the orphans, but still be so empty inside.

When you hold people to a certain standard, when you expect them to be something that are just not, when you expect people to do things for you out of love, when you yourself do not even show love... you will never get what you want. You will be disappointed every time.

When you show love to other people, no matter how deserving of it they are, you will get love back. You won't need any expectiations of pople. Because when you love, you understand that sometimes people return the favor a hundred times over. And other times when you love, yu learn that people can be just plain rude and not say thank you or think a second thought about returning the favor. But you shouldn't show love just to get something back anyways. You should show love because it's what you are supposed to do, like I said, whether people deserve it or not.

The reason I feel so strongly about this is because I have been on both ends. I have given love unconditionally, only to be hated in return. I have seen people give love unconditionally and I have shown no love in return. I've seen, and felt, how much it hurts when you love with all of your heart, only to have it ripped in half and left there to bleed. I say this because love is the most sensitive emotion known to mankind. Love can make or break your heart, your entire world, in one motion. Love can alter the direction of your life in one second, it can make you do things you never thought possible. Love can give you feelings that you never knew existed.

Well, I must say, this blog took a totally different direction that I thought it would, but that's what happens when your emotions take over. There is no use in trying to calm them and ignore them because it just wont work. You just have to go with the flow and hope that in some way, your words make sense to at least one person besides yourself. So that's what I try to do. I hope you enjoy reading as much as I enjoy writing.

LOVELOVELOVE

-C

Grape Jelly

I wrote this blog on July 18, 2007 and posted it on my Myspace. I haven't been back to read it in about 2 or 3 years, but came across it randomly tonight. I hope you enjoy.


This morning I was running late for work, but my stomach was going crazy with hunger. So on the way I stopped at Burger King and ordered my usual 7 with a Dr. Pepper. MMMM. Always good. However, the lady forgot my grape jelly. Damn. Now I have to wait till I get to work to put jelly on my buiscut to eat it. Cause I just cannot eat that dang buiscut without jelly. Already in a bad mood cause im running late and my hunger is getting the better of me.... I race out of the parking lot towards work. Pick up my Ipod and switch the song to one of my favorites. "Holli" by Phillip Cuccias. (And for the curious- yes it is indeed Holli Denham. =] ) As I am getting closer to work (Airport and Hillcrest to be exact) is when it is getting to my favorite part in the song. The part where the intensity builds and I always, no matter what, picture this song to be the background music for some dramatic movie where, at this point, could be the climax of the movie.... that part that has you sitting on the edge of your seat with more curiosity than that dead cat..... not to mention really great music. There is a line in the song that goes "You and me, Holli, we are warriors and, we dont survive the wars, we win them" and another that says "And you said they stole from you and, yeah, you will live. But I say rise, and steal it back from them. Dont you know who Jesus is?" While speeding to work listening to this song, all of the sudden it was like time stood still.


I look over to a light pole at the intersection of this road and I see a black man, maybe 45 years old or so, sitting on his stack of newspaprs he sells everyday with his head down in his hands, looking tired, or hungry or something. Just..... Tired. Tired of life. Tired of working for nothing.. I dont know. I cant name his situation just by looking at him, but I can do the American thing and put him in a stereotype of sorts. Who doesn't? It is what we were taught to do.

So for a full 5 seconds, time stood still. I saw him and then looked over at the food in my passenger seat, and suddenly felt like a snob. Snob. Jerk. Whatever you want to call it. And then I considered stopping to give him my breakfast.

There I go again stereotyping him.

Thinking that just because he hands out papers on the side of the road means he is homeless. Still late for work, I continue driving. The whole way to work I am thinking to myself about this guy. Even tho I only saw him for a few seconds and he didnt even see me at all.... he has left a great impression on my heart. I cannot describe what I felt as I pictured him so many times throughout that day...

Guilty? Yeah.. I think so.

A little bit self-centered that I was complaining about not getting my jelly?

Definatly.

All of the sudden other pictures started coming to mind.... Pictures I have seen of starving children in 3rd world countries...kids with no clothes on at all and nothing to eat for days on end. Children who, are so malnourished that their bellies actually protrude and their limbs are as big around as my thumb. Literally. More pictures of these kids having to do slave work and carry large loads of water to and from their home, having to do all this with no nourishment , no food of any kind to give them the energy they need.

I wanted to cry. I wanted to just sit in my car and cry. But instead, I race inside so I am not late for work.

I am no different from the rest of you. Granted, some of you would have stopped and bought a newspaper from him, handed him $5 and thrown the newspaper away. Others not even noticing him at all, and others seeing him and thinking the same thoughts I had. Still we are no different. We still have the same thought process sweep through our minds of what his life might be like. Just your average stereotype. A quick and painless one that takes hardly any thought at all. "There is a man standing on the side of the interstate with a sign that says will work for food. I am not going to give him any money because he might just go spend it on beer or drugs and that is probly what made him homeless in the first place" O yeah, it has gone thru my head a number of times too. So we drive off without so much as a seciond thought as to what may have really happened to that man to get him to where he is.

So why not blame God for all the evil things in this world? He could have stopped it right? He could have "magically" sent food down from Heaven for those starving kids in Africa.

We have spent so much time trying to get God out of our world. Whether it was taking the name of God out of the Pledge of Allegiance, taking prayer out of public schools, srutinizing and reprimanding others who dare pray in school, or removing a monument of the 10 commandments from a court house in Alabama...we try and remove God from every part of this world and we have the audasity to blame him when disaster strikes.

I could go on and on about topics like these for hours on end. But that is not what inspired me to write this. The black man inspired me. I can sit back eating my Burger King, wearing my dressy work clothes, driving my car I just bought and pretend the world is amazing and wonderful and rainbows and butterflies. When all along the truth is, there is something deep inside of me gnawing at my heart. Lots of somethings actually.

Poverty.

Hunger.

Darfur.

Genocide.

AIDS.

Suicide.

Murder and Rape.

I could go on and on. But the truth is this: this morning when I saw that man, a realization came to me and hit me smack in the face. I am sick of living my life the way it is going. I hate sitting back and doing nothing to help when there is so much to be done. I am writing this as an encouragement to myself and to others to help. Get involved with something that helps anyone out. Don't be so self centered about why you cant have certain luxuries or why you cant have everything your way all the time. Pray for other countries and for the millions of people that die everyday from one thing or another. Please... just pray.

And next time you don't get your grape jelly, just smile and thank God for giving you LIFE.

Nothing splendid has ever been achieved except by those who dared believe that something inside them was superior to circumstance.

"The reward you get from a story is always less than you thought it would be, and the work is harder than you imagined. The point of a story is never about the ending, remember. It's about your character getting molded in the hard work of the middle."

A Million Miles in a Thousand Years

Donald Miller

It's time to start living out this story that is my life.

Everyone has their own opinions on how to make a great story. In my opinion, a great story is when you help other people. You be there for the people that need you. You be the kind of person that we were all created to be. The helping, loving, giving, unselfish, unbiased kind of person that lets nothing stand in the way of carrying out the great story that is their life.

I want a story in which I am remembered for the things have done for other people. No matter how difficult or unrealistic this story may seem, I want to live it and I want to live it to it's fullest extent.

So far, my story has taken me through oceans and mountains and forests and cities and every other kind of place where you are forced to evolve and survive and some how come out stronger. In most instances, I have come out on the other end stronger and happier than I was before. As for the other ones.... well I'm still working on those.

But I know that my story does not only belong to me. My story belongs to the starving children in Africa; to the poverty stricken families in South America; to the thousands of teenage girls just looking for someone to care about them. My story belongs to those who want so badly to survive this world that they were placed in, but can't see how that will ever happen.

You are the smell before rain,

You are the blood in my veins,

Call me a safe bet,

I'm betting I'm not.

-Brand New

I am a girl that wants, that NEEDS, so desperately to feel like she has made a difference in someone's life, no matter how small or insignificant it may seem to her. A girl that, no matter how much money she makes, or how much college she has under her belt, only feels TRULY satisfied when she is being a servant.

I want to become humble.

I want to see the world through the eyes of a child.

I want to show people that impossible is an opinion.

Impossible is temporary.

Impossible is a dare.

Nothing you want to do, no dream you have, is impossible when you believe in it enough and you have the drive to go after it with everything in you.

I want to express my love, my feelings, my thoughts in a way that never was before. I feel like I need to go on a pilgrimage to find out what it is I need to really push my story forward. But then again, maybe I am on that pilgrimage right now.

Maybe the days, the weeks, the months that I am experiencing now are the ones that will shape me into, not only who I want to be, but who I need to be to survive and come out happier than ever before; the kind of person I need to be to live out this great story that is my life. But then again, maybe these days, weeks and months are only preparing me for another story that is to come. Maybe my story hasn't even started yet.

You may say I'm a dreamer,

But I'm not the only one.

I hope someday you'll join us,

And the world will live as one.

-John Lennon

As for an actual update, things are great here on the West Coast! i started working full time (5 days a week, Mon-Fri, 8:30-5:30). It's really great to have that income and to now have health benefits! My classes are going great as well... I have American Sign Language on Monday nights form 6pm-10pm. My math class is on Tuesday and Thursday nights from 7-9:30 So far, I am doing good in both classes and I am really enjoying them (well about as much as one can enjoy linear equations and having to remember 36,276,478 formulas).

Amelia is back home and living (and sleeping) with me until she can find a job and move down to San Diego. Things with the family are going great! I still can't believe Aunt Holly and Uncle Bernie were willing to let me come live with them, with no sort of move out date in mind. They have been so good to me!

I am making a trip out to Illinois in March and I am so excited! It's actually a wild story...

When I was in the 10th grade I took a field trip through Europe and our group was paired up with a group from Illinois. We were there for 10 days, so, naturally, we all became friends. Over the years, I kept up with this guy named Donnie. It's been about 5 or 6 years since that trip, but we got in touch recently when he made a trip out to California to see some friends. Long story short, we picked up right where we left off with our friendship. He is in school out in Illinois and is also in a band.. So over my spring break I am going out to see him and see his band perform. I am SO excited! I need a little break from work and school, and tickets are super cheap these days =)

I pray that every one of you are filled with peace and love on this Valentine's Day. You are all on my mind and on my heart constantly.

I took a faithful leap and packed up all my things,

And all my love,

And gave it to somebody else.

-Ingrid Michaelson

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace."

-Jimi Hendrix

LOVELOVELOVE

Carrie

What I did while writing this.... And typically what I do while in class ;) Haha

"I live my daydreams in music" -Albert Einstein

I came accross this the other day in some old emails and I thought it was fitting, considering I am still young and learning quite a bit...

Some rules to live by... Well, not rules so much as... suggestions! ENJOY =)

ONE: Give people more than they expect, and do it cheerfully
TWO: Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
THREE: Don't believe all you hear... SPend all you have, or sleep all you want.
FOUR: When you say "I love you", mean it.
FIVE: When you say "I'm sorry", look the person in the eye.
SIX: Be engaged at least 6 months before you get married.
SEVEN: Believe in love at first sight.
EIGHT: Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams, have nothing.
NINE: Love deeply and passionatly. You might get hurt, but it's the only way to live life completely.
TEN: In disagreements, fight fairlyy. No name calling.
ELEVEN: Don't judge people by their relatives.
TWELVE: Talk slowly, but think quickly
THIRTEEN: When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask "Why do you want to know?"
FOURTEEN: Remember that great love and great achievments involve great risks.
FIFTEEN: Say "Bless you" when someone sneezes.
SIXTEEN: When you lose, don't lose the lesson
SEVENTEEN: Remember the 3 R's: Respect for self, Respect for others, Responsibility for all your actions.
EIGHTEEN: Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
NINETEEN: When you realize you have made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
TWENTY: SMile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
TWENTY-ONE: Spend some time alone.

And just because I am feeling extra cheesy today... A few quotes for you...

"Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart, and cools the sting."

"Dreams are answers to questions we haven't yet figured out how to ask"

"Some colors exist in dreams that are not present in the waking spectrum."

"If you want to be happy, be." ~Leo Tolstoy

You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus. ~Mark Twain

When I have a terrible need of - shall I say the word - religion. Then I go out and paint the stars. ~Vincent Van Gogh

People who lean on logic and philosophy and rational exposition end by starving the best part of the mind.

When love is not madness, it is not love. .

The camera can photograph thought. ~Dirk Bogarde

If I could tell the story in words, I wouldn't need to lug around a camera. ~Lewis Hine

The negative is the equivalent of the composer's score, and the print the performance. ~Ansel Adams

God made so many different kinds of people. Why would he allow only one way to serve him? ~Martin Buber

Let your religion be less of a theory and more of a love affair. ~G.K. Chesterton

I didn't know I had a quarrel with him. ~Henry Thoreau in answer to the question, "Have you made your peace with God?"

I dream of giving birth to a child who will ask, "Mother, what was war?" ~Eve Merriam

Never think that war, no matter how necessary, nor how justified, is not a crime. ~Ernest Hemingway

Okay that is enough for now... I hope you enjoy =)

LOVE.LOVE.LOVE

I have dreams...

"That Woman is a Success . . .
Who loves life and lives it to the fullest;
Who has discovered and shared the strengths and talents that are uniquely her own;
Who puts her best into each task and leaves each situation better than she found it;
Who seeks and finds that which is beautiful in all people and all things;
Whose heart is full of love and warm with compassion;
Who has found joy in living and peace within herself."