Does Love Always Win?

I'm realizing more and more how difficult it will be to go home. Sometimes it seems easy, other times it seems difficult. Today is a difficult kind of day. One look into Kayden's bright blue eyes and suddenly I realize that I left my heart in Mobile when I took off 4 months ago. It's no suprise to me however. I knew this would be difficult. It will be the first time going home in 5 months. It's never been that long for me. Learning to live without your mom and dad close to you everyday is tough. Learning to live everyday without the laughs and giggles from your 3 year old niece is a heart breaker.

But the toughest part is learning that sometimes love cannot conquer all, and sometimes love doesn't make the world go round. Learning that sometimes love brings your world to a screeching halt, steals you from the things you love the most and places you in a world so unfamiiliar and so scary that all you are left to do is pick up your things and move forward.
Love can be your best friend and it can be your worst enemy.

For now though, all I can do is search for the best friend that I once had in love.

"Call the surgeon,
Mend the pieces. "

I wish I was Robinhood....

Love wins.. absolutly always.

I decided to blog tonight because I have a lot going through my mind... So why not blog and get it all out, eh? I miss the fam like crazy... I miss my sweet angel Kayden... and Melody will be one soon!! Wow.... and cute little Noah that I have yet to hold in my arms... I am counting down the days.

California is good to me, but there is nothing like the innocence of a sweet child to mend a broken heart. I want the heart of a child. Loving and carefree....

Sometimes I miss the old days. I looked at old pictures today and I miss my love. That is a given. No suprise there! lol.... Simpler times it seemed. School goes on, work goes on. Friends come and go... coming more than going, thank God =) I need lots of friends. So thankful for that. Amelia is home in a month and I am once again counting down the days.

I am glad that my life is not dictated by other people. There are people around me that of course I want to make happy and and I want them to be happy with me and what I am doing in my life.... But there is one person that I live my life for, and if you know me well enough, then I do not need to tell you who that is. I feel free because it's my own life and no one elses. I answer to myself for the choices that I make. And although all of those choices may not be the right one... it is a learning process..

I still believe 100% that things and events happen for a reason. I have learned so much from the things that have happened. Now I am a little more careful with who I give my heart to... and I am little more careful with whose heart I take. I am new to both of those things, but I really am trying.

I am having fun here.... California has done me good. I love my friends... I love the new people I meet.... I love the fact that no one knows me here and no one knows anyone I know. It makes me forever happy to be new. Life is happy right now. No reason to be upset about anything. Sure, sometimes I feel like life dealt me a pretty shitty hand a few months ago.... but it must have been for some reason... something bigger than me... something that I simply cannot understand at the moment. And that is okay. I am tired of trying to figure life out... tired of planning life out. I am just going to ride the wave and see where it takes me... If it crashes, then I'll catch the next one and see if that works.... Life is about change. Whether you are ready for it or not, it is coming.

Half of my heart's got a real good imagination, healf of my heart's got you.

She said "I've gotta be honest, You're wasting your time if you're stickin' round here..."

I always knew that music was a huge part of my life from the day I was born. But I never knew that it would have the impact on me that it has had...

"If you want more love, why don't you say so?"

I've known for a long time that how I react to certain situations is different than others. That's a fact of life- everyone is different. But, I never thought that 98% of the time, the only way for me to express myself would be through someone elses music. I can listen to a song and it will be EXACTLY how I feel and the only way I know to express myself... but the person I am trying to get the point across to, just doesn't get it. And that is what I don't get- "How could this not make sense to you?"

"I don't care if we don't sleep at all tonight, Let's just fix this whole thing now. I swear to God We're gonna get it right, If you'de lay your weapons down."

I think this thought process comes from seeing "Pirate Radio" at the movies last night, and John Mayer's new cd coming out today. Music speaks to different people in different ways- so don't criticize music. If you don't like, just say it's not your style. Country music is not my style... but I can edure it. I dated a guy that opened me up tp the world of blues music. That is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I learned that everyones music- from John Mayer, to Keith Urban, to Ratatat, to Taylor Swift, to Bob Marley, to Elton John (I could go on and on)- it all came from somewhere. Sure, you have those that broke through the music mold and tried something new and changed the world of music as we know it- but all music is influenced by other music. Don't just listen to a song or an artist and be happy with it- find out where it came from. You are cheating yourself if you don't. That's one of the most important lessons I have learned.

I can't possibly listen to a song anymore and immediatley dislike it. It's such a long thought process that happens.

This music is the heart of this person... It's their thoughts, their feelings, what they deal with in everyday life. It makes you realize that these are real people and not super mega rockstars that appear to be on a whole other wavelength- they're the same as us.

More often than not, I listen to a song and wonder if the artist probed inside my brain and decided to write a song on exactly how I think and feel, and I know a lot of people that feel the same way. You cannot over-analyze music- you take it for what it is. You can't sit and wonder "Who is this written for, who is this written about?" Just be thankful that it was even written at all...

You have to let music touch your heart in a way that nothing else ever could (physically speaking). Listen to Jimi or Stevie and get lost in the riffs, listen to Eva or Emmylou and get lost in the lyrics, or simply listen to Mozart or Bach and get lost in yourself....

Music is a healer. Music is always enough.


"Suddenly I'm in, over my head and I can hardly breathe,
Suddenly I know exactly what I did, but I cannot move a thing.
Suddenly I know, exactly what I'de done and what it's gonna mean to me, mean to me."

GET THIS ALBUM. NOW.

you would not believe your eyes
if ten million fireflies lit up the world as i fell asleep
'Cause they'd fill the open air
and leave teardrops everywhere
you'd think me rude but I would just stand and stare

I'd like to make myself believe
that planet Earth turns slowly
Its hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems

'Cause I'd get a thousand hugs from ten thousand lightning bugs
as they tried to teach me how to dance
A foxtrot above my head
a sock hop beneath my bed
a disco ball is just hanging by a thread

When I fall asleep leave my door open just a crack
(please take me away from here)
'Cause I feel like such an insomniac
(please take me away from here)
why do I tire of counting sheep
(please take me away from here)
when I'm far too tired to fall asleep

To ten million fireflies
I'm weird 'cause I hate goodbyes
I got misty eyes as they said farewell
but I'll know where several are
if my dreams get real bizarre
'cause I saved a few and I keep them in a jar

(I fall asleep)
I'd like to make myself believe that planet earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
Because my dreams are bursting at the seams

-Owl City

It's been one whole year since this fiasco beagn...

Can you believe it? Yeah. neither can I. Subconsciously, my mind has shut down. People say "Oh what are your halloween plans? What kind of parties are you going to?" And I am like... ohhh I don't think I am doing anything... I'll just hand out candy to the cute little trick or treaters when they come to my house... I never made plans. I just didn't want to. And it wasn't until yesterday that I figured out why I didn't want to. I have so many things that I am thinking about right... so many thoughts I want to get out of my head..... WHY? Is there any better question to ask other than why?

As always, the only way I feel you will understand how I feel is through music...

You see love is a drink that goes straight to my head
And time is a lover and I'm caught in her stare
And the sentiment there follows me straight to my bed through the night
I've got my life in a suitcase,
I'm ready to run, run, run away..
I've got no time, 'cause I'm always trying to run, run, run away
'Cause everyday in here feels like it's only a game.
I've got my life in a suitcase, a suitcase, a suitcase...
-THe Day I Lost My Voice (The Suitcase Song)

It is the one year anniversary of this song. Love it so much.



The sun burns a hole straight through your old flaws
If you look toward the sky even on your greyest night

Could you be happy now, with the wind in your hair
And your eyes open wide and your feet going nowhere?
Could you be happy to fall like a stone
If you'd land right here safe in my arms?
It's fine, lock all your doors through the night
Keep it all right here, safe in my arms
It's fine
-On The Safest Ledge

I am a mix of emotions right now. Sad, happy, excited, scared, confused, indifferent, amazed, anxious, needy, independant... most of all contradicted.

If you have a chance, get the Copeland album "You Are My Sunshine".
Music is always enough for me. No matter what day it is.

Grab your bag and grab your coat, tell the ones that need to know, that we are headed north...

Hello everyone! I know it's been a hot minute since I have updated... but I have pictures! As always, school and work keep me busy and exhausted! Holly, Bernie, Mimi and I went to Oxnard for our cousins wedding a couple weekends ago... such a fun time =) Aunt Holly has been training for her marathon in Chicago and it was this last weekend! She's a super stud mom running marathons at 53! Haha... so anyways... Mimi is going to visit her girls in Mississippi soon and I will be staying with Christy while she is gone.. so that should be a fun time.


FOR MOM =)

Uncle Bernie and I... not sure what to do.

Aunty Holly and I

Bernie, Holly, me and Mimi at the reception

Holly, Cousin Rhonda, me, Cousin Dottie and Mimi

With the beautiful bride Holly =)

Goofin off

Here is my desk at work... Obviously a busy day..

This last weekend, Orange County put on the Bay to Bay Bike MS 2009. It is a bike ride starting in Irvine, CA and going to Carlsbad one day, then going from Carlsbad to Mission Beach, CA (Which is in San Diego) the next day. The bikers are from all sorts of places and are sponsored from all different places... Some were from Disney, some were from Land Rover, and some were sponsored by Cox Cable. There were probably over 100 teams in all. Anyways, they needed tons of volunteers to pull this thing off (they have been doing it for years and years now) so I went down and lent a helping hand....

Some of the bikers about to take off.

The Disney bikers!!

Of course I was put in the team photo booth.. lol

This guy dyed his dog purple and gave him a mohawk... haha

Brittney and Sophie, the other 2 girls that worked with me.

These pictures are from Saturday morning when the bikers left... I had to be in Irvine (about 25 minutes north of my home) at a beautiful 5:30 a.m.... so that was interesting... and then I went from there to San Clemente (which is about 15 minutes South of my home) to serve the riders lunch. It was a pretty fun day altogether. On Sunday, I worked the rider return in Irvine.. basically unloading all the bikes off of the trucks and giving them to the riders when they got there. It was a lot of fun and I met a lot of interesting people! It actually made me consider doing the bike ride next year! (You don't have to do all 100 miles if you don't want to! haha)

So anyways.. that is what is going on right now. Hope you like the pictures. I'll try to do better on keeping you guys updated =)

My Second Confession

These thoughts I have are thoughts of someone settled. "Where will I be at my work in a year?" "What are my plans for some holiday that is months away?" "What classes will I be taking next semester at my school?"

So strange. Settling. Yesterday while I was picking up my lunch, I realized that I didn't know my way around this city at all. Not strange. Strange, however, when you know another city like the back of your hand. Holli still calls me for directions around Mobile. I never thought that starting over somewhere new would be so scary. "I'll make friends.... I'll find a job...." yesterday I realized that I was more scared than I thought. Which is great that I realized that just now and not when I moved... or else I wouldn't have moved.

When I left Mobile, I was 50/50 about moving. Most people said it was a great idea, that getting out of this town was what I needed. But there were a few that believed I was running away. So which is it? You can choose to believe whichever you like, but in my mind, if I was running away, then I'm okay with that. But, it's not like it hurt any less. Sure, I don't have to be around my memories all day, but that doesn't mean my mind was erased of them.

"Memories, like bullets, they fire at me from a gun."

In fact, these memories give me a reason to move forward.

The truth is, had I stayed in Mobile, I would have died. Emotionally, I would have just been dead. I would have been looking for the same thing i was always looking for all the while expecting the different results. It doesn't work that way. Like sticking a square peg in a round whole. It always results the same: IT WON'T FIT.

I'm a square peg and Mobile is my round hole. At least for now.

My feet are freezing as I right this and I am hoping that my toes don't fall off. Life without toes would be awkward.

And so here is my second confession:

I am more scared about the future than I care to admit.

There is that F word again. I'm not scared of the future by any means. I'm scared that i'll make some sort of mistake that will out me right back where I am now.

"you gotta swim

swim for your life

swim for the music that saves you

when you're not so sure you'll survive.

you gotta swim

swim when it hurts

the whole world is watching

you haven't come this far to fall off the earth."

-Jack's Mannequin

"And in the free fall I, will realize, that I'm better off when I hit the bottom."

-Paramore